Funny Quotes

I don't drink water. Fish **** in it.
W.C. Fields

Outside a dog, a book is mans best friend, inside a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

"How did you become such a great lover?"
" I practice a lot when I'm alone. 🙂 "
Woody Allen

"He is the village idiot."
"What did you do, place? "

Woody Allen

I went to the doctor. I said "Doctor you gotta help me. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I throw up." The doctor said " I don't know about your health, but your vision is PERFECT."
Rodney Dangerfield

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit - no use in being a darn fool about it.

(darn = edit)

W.C. Fields

Chess Quotes

All chess players should have a hobby. Tartakower

If you lose a piece on your side of the board, it is called a blunder, but if you lose a piece on your opponent's side of the board, you can call it a sacrifice. – Michael Anthony

How to Build a Boat! – John Nunn (on what book he'd want to have with him if stranded on a desert island)


Apparently, in the game in question, Nigel swapped all the pieces off and Kasparov had no choice but to take the draw.
– Gary Lane (on how it was possible for Kasparov to have a 15.5 - .5 score against Short since their WCC match)

If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Unknown