Final Exams
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except
for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your
other hand."
Originally posted by fjordThanks to you, Fjord!
You deserve a dozen pots o'hunny🙂
What happens when your room gets super-saturated with smiles?
Thanks LittleBear
Fjord
Please send those pots to the 100 acre woods PO!! 🙂
Er, well... you can find the answer in this very thread 🙂
Michael (aka LittleBear)
P.S.: you're welcome, didn't I said that yet?
Originally posted by fjordDid you know that there are 3 types of Maths teacher. Those that can count and those that can't. Which one do you think I am?
"One might think that once a place-value number system came into existence then the 0 as a empty place indicator is a necessary idea, yet the Babylonians had a place-value number system without this feature for over 1000 years. Moreover there is absolutely no evidence that the Babylonians felt that there was any problem with the ambiguity which existed. R ...[text shortened]... ere are 10 types of people in the world
- those who understand binary and those who don't. -
Oh, Lord, won't you find me a WMD?
My friends won't send forces, or money to me.
Looked hard under sand dunes; there's nothing to see,
So Lord, won't you find me a WMD?
Oh, Lord, won't you find me some chemicals, please?
France and Australia are laughing back at me.
I wait for intelligence each day until three,
So Lord, won't you find some banned chemicals, please?
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a fight in Iran?
There's oil in there, Lord; please give me their sand.
Prove that you love me and buy me a plan,
Oh, Lord, won't you find me a fight in Iran?
Oh, Lord, won't you find me a WMD?
The Dems might just rally and get off their knees.
Elections are coming; there's nothing to see,
So Lord, won't you find me a Dubya MD?
- Joined
- 27 Nov 03
- Moves
- 115811
Cheers for the jokes fellas. Here is one which will hopefully raise a smile....
2 men are waiting in a doctor's surgery. The first man asks the other what he is in for. The second replies "I've got a red line around my knob and I'm a bit worried about it. What about you?
The first goes " I've a green line around mine. I'm worried too."
The man with the red line is called into the Drs room and comes out a minute later visably happy and smiling allot.
The man with the green line goes in feeling a bit better.
The Dr asks him to remove his pants and has a look at his member.
"Hmmm. I'm afraid I'm going to have to amputate your penis."
"WHAT! YOU MUST BE KIDDING! The guy before me had a red line around his and he is fine!?!"
The Drs replies....
Do you know the difference between lipstick and gangreene?
😀😀
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man. Go away!" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirtfront and yells at him; Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
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(It's a beauty)
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(Wait for it, say it in a Chinese accent)
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"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
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😀😀😀
THINGS YOU'D NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE MOVIES (2) :
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by
one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert
on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a
woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one
bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while
scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your
mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to
any other part of the building without difficulty.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended
from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will
be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in
your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2003
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to
hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
A boy hears groaning coming from his mothers bedroom, so he decides to investigate. After peering through the slightly ajar door, he sees his mother lying on the bed rubbing herself in the nether regions, and mumbling to herself "please God, I want a man"
This becomes a regular occurence over the next few days, but one day when the boy does his investigation he sees his mother on the bed with some man on top and the mother mumbling "oh God, thank you, thank you"
After seeing this the boy rushes to his bedroom, pulls down his pants and starts rubbing himself shouting "please God, I want a bike"
Robbo
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
Lemme add one of my favorite jokes.
A Belgian guy has lived all of his life in virtue and one day god decides to grant him a wish.The guy,very surprised,thinks for a second and then says: 'I would like a bridge to Hawaii.I've always wanted to go there but I'm afraid to fly'.God thinks for a moment and says:'Hmm,I could do that,but it's not easy,think of all the concrete I would have to use.Won't you reconsider your wish,maybe you could wish for something more realistic?'The guy says to himself: 'yeah,god's right,a bridge to Hawaii,how silly'.He says to god: 'you're right,I'd much rather have a beautiful,smart,funny,sexy woman who doesn't nag,likes sports,drinks beer and is always in the mood for sex.That's my wish!' God thinks about this,then says:'Would you like a two lane or a four lane bridge?'
😉
Originally posted by fjord....and why you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway
"One might think that once a place-value number system came into existence then the 0 as a empty place indicator is a necessary idea, yet the Babylonians had a place-value number system without this feature for over 1000 years. Moreover there is absolutely no evidence that the Babylonians felt that there was any problem with the ambiguity which existed. R ...[text shortened]... ere are 10 types of people in the world
- those who understand binary and those who don't. -
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated. How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."