USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN
TRAVELING IN MUSLIM AREAS
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the
floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies
traveling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!
Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must
have the recipe.
😀 😀 😀
THE PERFECT JOB
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...
couldn't concentrate.
After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...
mainly because it was a so-so job.
Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but
the work was just too draining.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the ax.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
So then, I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for
the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually, I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
SO, I RETIRED AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
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Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
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Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
"Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
"So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa ""Jugs" Banyan during my Freshman year - that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you"... and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, it cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only A given on the exam.
Scientists recently discovered a link between breast cancer & alcohol. Women drinking excessive amounts of alcohol being twice as much at risk, as those who do not. Although this has somewhat been counter balanced by that the fact that women who are inebriated are more likely to have their breasts felt by men in bars, some of whom maybe doctors.
Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse, and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye, and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later, the president entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, "Hi, Bill."
Men's Thesaurus
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday!!"
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated:* "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
A englishman is walking down the street when he spys a little boy playing with some cattle manure by the side of the road. "what are you doing sonny" he asks. "I'm making a model of Tony Blair" replies the little boy. Somewhat stunned the englishman asks "Why Tony Blair ? Why not George w Bush ?"
"No" replies the little boy "there's not enough bullshit in the whole of england to make a model of George W Bush"