Religious humor

Originally posted by dj2becker
[b]It looked more like he started the thread to try and make fun of atheists through a joke.

Ah shame. Can I recommend a good trauma counselor? 😛[/b]

Originally posted by whodey
Speaking of trauma counselors, do ya know the best place a woman can go if she has been battered by her man?

Why back in the kitchen if she knows what's good for her.

😛

Originally posted by FreakyKBH
Are you kidding? Everyone knows that enlightened, non-irrational atheists beat their wives in the bathroom: no windows.

Originally posted by whodey
Speaking of trauma counselors, do ya know the best place a woman can go if she has been battered by her man?

Why back in the kitchen if she knows what's good for her.

😛

Two beggars in St Peter's Square, Vatican. One with a cross on a sign behind him the other with a star of David behind him. Passer's by are giving repeatedly to the man with the cross behind him, while the other sits with empty bowl.
A priest sees this and goes to the one with the empty bowl.
"Dear sir", he says, "you are wasting your time here, this is the center of Christendom, best beg elsewhere", and moves on.
The beggar turns to the other and says with a laugh, "Oi vey, Epstein, what do they know about marketing?"

ZEN THOUGHTS

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

The atheists Creed, by Steve Turner

We believe in Marxfreudanddarwinianism
We believe everything is OK
as long as you don't hurt anyone,
to the best of your definition of hurt,
and to the best of your knowledge.

We believe in sex before, during, and after marriage.
We believe in the therapy of sin.
We believe that adultery is fun.
We believe sodomy is OK.
We believe that taboos are taboo.

We believe everything is getting better,
despite evidence to the contrary.
The evidence must be investigated.
And you can prove anything with evidence.

We believe there is something in
horoscopes, UFO's, and bent spoons;
Jesus was a good man
just like Buddha, Mohammad, and ourselves.
He was a good moral teacher,
although we think his morals were bad.

We believe that all religions are basically the same --
at least the one that we read was.
They believe in love and goodness
They only differ on matters of
creation, sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.

We believe that after death comes Nothing.
Because when you ask the dead what happens they say nothing.
If death is not the end, if the dead have lied,
then it is compulsary heaven is for all,
excepting perhaps Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan.

We believe in Masters and Johnson.
What is selected is average.
What is average is normal
What is normal is good.

We believe in total disarmament.
We believe there are direct links between warefare and bloodshed.
Americans should beat their guns into tractors
and the Islamofascists will be sure to follow.

We believe that every man is essentially good.
It is only his behavior that lets him down.
This is the fault of society.
Society is the fault of conditions.
Conditions are the fault of society.

We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.
Reality will adapt accordingly.
The universe will readjust.
History will alter.
We believe that there is no absolute truth
excepting the truth there is no absolute truth.

We believe in the rejection of creeds,
and the flowering of individual thought.

"Chance" -- a post script

If chance be the Father of all flesh,
disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
and when you hear:

State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on rampage!
Rioters Go Looting!
Bombs Blast School!

It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.

Originally posted by twhitehead
How was I supposed to know that? I am not a mind reader like you and don't know what whodey had in mind.