Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
"Hungry Seymour?" the Lord asked
"I could eat," Seymour said. The Lord opened a can of tuna and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasants, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened, and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."
"To be honest, Seymour, the Lord said, "for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
Originally posted by gentlegilLoving it!
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.
"Hungry Seymour?" the Lord asked
"I could eat," Seymour said. The Lord opened a can of tuna and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, ...[text shortened]... o be honest, Seymour, the Lord said, "for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
Originally posted by darvlayAll for a good cause.
I have a good one but it's a visual joke, so bear with me...
What is this?
http://www.bibleexplained.com/epistles-p/1-Cor/cross-Christ.jpg
A shitty way to spend Easter.
Edit: If this was an attempt at being offensive, you've been successful. Congrats.
This one is only sorta religous:
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mouldy pathway, I nearly rode into a man walking down the path.It was what appeared to be Jesus.
I swerved like Starskey and Hutch out of its way, crashed into the bushes and tumbled over onto a nice, soft bed of thistles, ivy and nettles. As I dragged myself and my bicycle up off the forest floor, Jesus said: “Thank you sir. For not driving over me.”
I scratched my nose and said: “Jesus. How quaint. What have I been drinking?”
Jesus smiled: “No. I really am grateful. So grateful, that I’m going to grant you three wishes.”
Well, who am I to oppose such an alcohol induced offer, so I played along with him: “Well, I wish I lived in a castle. I wish I owned a Porche 911 and I wish Drew Barrymore was lying in bed waiting for me.”
he smiled again and hopped away.
So, I got back on my bicycle and I had nearly forgotten the whole incident when I cycled into my street...
Well...my street and a castle with my door number on it. I was flabbergasted (which, incidentally, is a very cool word). I cycled up the pathway and in front of the door...stood a bright red Porche 911 convertible. I was flabbergasted (such a good word, I hope you don’t mind me using it twice).
And I’m not stupid. Even though IQ tests may well be inherently flawed, misused by nazi’s and pathetically inaccurate, my IQ has always been way over 90 and I put one and one together quicker than Bertrand Russel wrote the principa mathematica...I ran up the stairs...and lo and behold! There upon my bed lay the beautiful Drew Barrymore (or Drool Barrymore as I prefer to call her).
To cut a long story slightly shorter (and to miss out on the juicy details), Drool and I had hot and horny sex for hours and hours. I was obviously fantastic and she was quite good as well.
At about four in the morning I decided Drool needed a little break and I went down to the castle’s kitchen for a drink. I opened the fridge door and the whole fridge was full of ice-cold beers! I was well pleased!
So, I popped open a beer and then a voice behind me said: “Are you happy?”I swiveled around (not spilling a drop, in case you’re interested) and there stood Jesus. I lifted my bottle and cheered him: “Well done J-Man! This is fantastic!”
“I’m glad you’re happy.” He smiled. “But can I ask you one little favour.”
“Anything...anything you want!” I was rather joyous.
“Would you give me a hug? Nobody ever hugs me.”
As i looked close it appeared Jesus looked rather slimy, But he did give me a Porche 911...convertible. So, I grabbed his slimy cold body and gave him a nice big hug.
As I sipped my beer he asked: “Can I ask you another favour?”
“Anything. Anything you want!” I was reasonably joyous.
“I’d like a kiss. I’ve not had a snog for ages.”
I looked at Jesus. He was green, slimy and he had warts all over his face and body, But he did give me a castle.
So, I wrapped my arms around his bum, planted my lips on his stuck my tongue in his facial cavity and gave him some tongue.
After the kiss, as I was sipping some more beer, Jesus asked: “Could you do me one more favour please?” “Well....” I wasn’t really all that joyous anymore.
He looked at me with big puppy eyes...
“Okay.” I said. “Anything you want!”
“Would you give me a good shagging please? I’ve never done that before.”
I looked at Jesus. He was green, slimy and his warts were leaking pus all over the place. Giant warts dripping with yellowish goo. But he did give me Drool Barrymore. What could I do?
I stepped behind him, bent him forward and started having sex with him.
As I was shagging, right in front of my eyes, he slowly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!!
Originally posted by AlpineXazaxVery, very wrong....Sounds like Michael Jacksons excuse
This one is only sorta religous:
It was a rainy evening and I was cycling home through the woods. I wasn’t cycling in a straight line. No sir! I was all over the place. I had in me: 3 liters of beer, 2 vodka martini’s and half a bottle of chilled white wine.
As I staggered (or whatever the cycling equivalent is of staggering) all over the wet and mo ...[text shortened]... ly started turning into a 9 year old boy. And seriously Judge, this is exactly how it happened!!