Captain Grob

A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.
Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.
Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.
When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.
Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.
Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.
Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.
Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.
A pirate does not "Go shopping". Unless by "Shopping", you mean "Killing".
Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.
Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.
Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.
No pirate will ever, ever raise his pinky when drinking any sort of beverage.
When drinking rum, the only thing a pirate adds to the rum is more rum.
Under no circumstances does a pirate speak with a Ninja, unless he first decapitates that Ninja and uses his head like a sock puppet.
A pirate may tell any tale of swashbuckling without being called on the details, as long as at least 51% of the story is true.
Pirates do not say "Please" or "Thank you". The phrase "Arrr, I'll probably kill you tomorrow" is an acceptable alternative for "Thank you".
Pirates always click on skulls!!
Pirates never, ever obey laws. Period.