Homer1Simpson

So a little about good old me. Who said I was old? Oh I did. OK, Once I was afraid I was petrified, kept thinking I could never live without me by my side...

Right here goes: I joined the Swiss Navy after leaving school at 4pm, before being discharged after only two weeks due to the cuts in the military fleet! I decided on a change of career and so joined the Scottish International Pole Dancing Police, and after winning many saucers I decided to fly to Area 51 to see if it really doesn't exist.
I have now lost both my memory and my memory. I believe it was taken whilst I wasn’t at Area 51.
After an 89 year holiday within the in the USA's (Secret Padded Alectric Cells Environment, (SPACE...Yeah I know. They couldn't spell Electric.) Anyhow, I found Area 51 doesn’t exist. Well, only in real life it doesn’t anyhow. I kept a diary but it was hard to write in that padded cell deep below ground with sparrows circling above - awaiting my sickly remains. I have veins thicker than my arms but they have replaced my blood with Scotch, less mess when you cut yourself and better than the taste of blood. I was finally released after serving just 186 years and I flew home arriving exhausted. Perhaps I should have got on a plane like everyone else because my arms really hurt as I flew up to the front door. Please don't let your Government know where I am hiding (18 Privet Drive, Devon UK) as I am a Secret 7 Spy with authority to pinch people's wheel trims to use in self-defense. I can kill a man at 20 paces, providing he stands still and promises not to move.
Also, I have now learned how to shoot a knife. In other words, don't mess with me sonny-boy...… Please... I need help, real help. Where's the nearest Loony bin? No no no! I said Loony bin not wheelie bin! Was that last bit wheelie necessary? Wot else? I only have 1 ear, so I can't wear glasses cos they fall off. 'Ear, no jokes please. 😁 I am also a complete an utter idiot! 😁