Bestiality's best boys, bestiality's best...
Shag a wallaby!
Actually, this post isn’t really about bestiality at all! So pour yourself a drink, sit back and relax.
There you go.
Okay, to be quite honest, part of this post will touch on the matter…DRINK IT! GO ON..DRINK IT! RELAX…
I was watching a programme the yesterday about various people in one of the States in the US (where on earth else…obviously), but I’ll get to what they were doing in a little bit.
Let me first of all tell you a little bit about me.
I’m very liberal minded. I have no problems with scat, golden showers or orgies. I actively promote homosexuality (the less breeding humans do, the better) and a wee bit of the old S&M doesn’t shock me either. Personally, if I was going to tie someone up though, I’d rob them. But I guess that’s just me.
Now, teetering on the brink of unlawfulness, smothered in the chocolate dipping of shame and reasonably remindful of the 1974 version of Animal farm starring “Big” Hans Gutterburg and “Georgie the pig” we find bestiality.
Lurking in the shadows like a sex-act on the run.
I come from Scotland. A country where the men are men and the sheep are scared. So sex with animals is nothing new to me. Well, to tell you the truth, I’m from Glasgow and the only sheep you find there are the idiots who still think voting New Labour is going to bring them socialism, but that’s another point for a whole other thread entirely.
The mere fact that George Bush SR. has children is evidence enough that humans have sex with donkeys.
So, Scottish sheep shagging jokes aside, bestiality isn’t generally perceived to be:
Normal.
Agreeable.
Something you talk about.
And so imagine my shock on watching a documentary about strange sexual practices in America and being confronted with something which goes further than sex with animals?!?
Believe me, I can think up some pretty bizarre sexual practices if I need to:
Bizarre sexual practice nobody mentions nr. 1: Being eaten
Some people get off on being eaten. This is absolutely true. There was a German man who was eaten. He wanted to be. God only knows what part of him was eaten first. It was in the news, they met up via internet
Bizarre sexual practice nobody mentions nr. 2: Cyber sex
“Oh, but Mark…this is common practice nowadays…”
Oh is it? How many people admit to their sister that they met in a chatroom called: “The dirty Den”? How many people talk about the great cyber sex they had with Raunchy Rachelle who turned out to be Dirty Dan? See…
Bizarre sexual practice nobody mentions nr. 3: Humping the mattress
Best we just avoid this one altogether, to be quite honest...
So imagine my surprise at the following…
Oh no. Don’t ever think there are limits to what man is capable of…
Now, as I was saying, I’m very liberal. So when someone tells me they’ve had sex with a sheep, they’ve awoken to cunnilingus by the cat or Fluffy the poodle “just looked so hot”, I’m not speechless.
Sure…it’s not my scene. But, so many things aren’t.
I’m not sure on the legality of it all, but I’m equally sure it varies in different countries. And let’s be honest, if a beastie is, well, licking your hand (say), then it’s not doing so against its will, is it?
Don't flee my blog yet!. You know you’re interested…
I could be bordering on bad taste here. I know, but I feel this is an experience we should all share. Why should I be burdened with the findings of this documentary whilst the rest of you go happily about your missionary ways?
Anyways, this documentary found people who…not only had sex with their pets…but were also in love with them!
No, it wasn’t Jerry Springer, although one wee part of me wished it was. I was shouting: “STEVE” half-way through, for sure!
A woman who was in love with her Doberman. A man who had fallen in love, at first sight with a pony; and more of such situations. They all had one thing in common though: They slept with their pets (I mean in the same bed, barn or sleeping bag).
Now, I give to you in all my liberalism:
I can understand people having sex with their animals. I can. Seriously, if you’re out in the fields for 2 weeks herding sheep, not a woman in sight…believe me…those furry little arses start playing tricks with your mind.
BUT…It’s not something you would readily admit to…
Now, I’ll raise the stakes on this one for you:
I can understand people falling in love with their pets. I can. Very probably seriously anyways.
There are lots of lonely people out there (playing chess? writing blogs?) who have grave difficulties either functioning within society or meeting people at all.
How easy it must be to project your humanly needs, desires and longings onto a being which has no option but to accept them?
A dog will love you 'till the day you die. Everyone knows that. If that dog is the only being giving you such singular devoted attention…it’s very plausible you fall in love with your pet.
The same could be said about parents though. And so it takes some stretching of the imagination to link love with sex when thinking of parents or animals…but it does happen.
We should all accept (DON'T LEAVE YET) that it happens. It makes life easier and makes you feel better about your own little oddities. I for one really like dressing up in a pink tutu to sing opera songs in front of the mirror. This would probably sound very strange, but compared to literally loving your horse…it’s nothing! It’s perfectly acceptable!!
I’m a liberal and I can accept a lot.
BUT…and here’s the thing that really, really, really baffled me…
WHO in their right mind is going to admit to loving and having sex with your pet?
IT’S NOT DONE!
What on earth was going through their feeble minds?
“I know. I’ll talk about my sex life with Rex, and that will make my life easier.”
OH NO IT WON’T!!!
Man. Do these people need a shot of reality or what?
And even worse…not only admitting to doing the dirty deed with the giraffe (or whatever) you love…but doing so on TV! Public TV, so the whole world can share your love affair with you!
I WOULDN’T GO ON TV TO TALK ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE WITH A WOMAN. NEVER MIND AN ANIMAL.
Isn’t this like the dumbest thing you’ve heard in a long time? WHY?
It wasn’t answered. These people really thought that telling this reporter (and introducing him to Tony the poodle) about their…what do you call it?…affaire?…was a good and smart and mature thing to do!
Boy, were they ever wrong.
I sat there, as liberal as I am, shouting abuse at them:
“THAT’S THE UGLIEST BLOODY HORSE I’VE EVER SEEN! I’VE SEEN BETTER HUNG DONKEYS BEFORE.”
And:
“BITE! GO ON SIRUS…BITE.”
Hell knows why, but that programme sure was as funny as hell.
But, on a serious note, if you do have any sexual deviations and you want to tell someone about them (to get them off your chest)…tell me. I’m interested. I’m all ears.
Don’t go to a BBC reporter. Seriously, don’t do it.
To the tune of “tie me kangaroo down”:
Bestiality’s best boys, bestiality’s best
Shag a wallaby.
Bestiality’s best boys, bestiality’s best!
Have a shag with a stag boys, have a shag with stag,
Shag a wallaby
I wonder how the song commences onto ducks?
Originally posted by PinkFloydThat's a horrid thought. I can't imagine a world without these wonderful creatures. Dogs love us and pattern their entire existance over watching over and protecting us, they're like a guardian angel. Stories of heroic dogs selflessly giving their lives to protect people are too numerous to count. People who don't like dogs have never had one.
I do not love, "love", nor love animals. I rather despise them. And whoever made that commercial where the dog drags his nasty a$$ across the carpet ought to be flogged. If all the domesticated dogs were to suddenly become extinct---now THAT would be a good thing.
Originally posted by ChessJesterIn this life, I have been treated with more love and respect from both doga & cats, perhaps even all animals, than I ever have from human beings. Yes, there are some people whom I love very much, but I also love animals dearly. They have earned it many times over, and on those rare occasions when it might appear as though they have done things that annoy me, invariably on close examination it turns out to me my fault, not theirs. My love for animals is boundless.
I love animals. I respect them and believe they are conscious like we are.
Originally posted by Sam The ShamWrong-O, Sammy. I have owned a dog, and I most definitely don't like them.
That's a horrid thought. I can't imagine a world without these wonderful creatures. Dogs love us and pattern their entire existance over watching over and protecting us, they're like a guardian angel. Stories of heroic dogs selflessly giving their lives to protect people are too numerous to count. People who don't like dogs have never had one.
Originally posted by AttilaTheHornPlus, some dogs wave their tail better than some human chicks!
In this life, I have been treated with more love and respect from both doga & cats, perhaps even all animals, than I ever have from human beings. Yes, there are some people whom I love very much, but I also love animals dearly. They have earned it many times over, and on those rare occasions when it might appear as though they have done things that ann ...[text shortened]... on close examination it turns out to me my fault, not theirs. My love for animals is boundless.