Joke of the day

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that
out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home
feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for
being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement
and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger
every day until pretty soon you're too young to work So then, you go
to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even
younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play,
and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and
everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last
9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central
heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an
orgasm.

I rest my case.

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. Olie decided to sue.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road....' the lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the
attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move.
An
even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'Why the long face?"

Originally posted by whodey
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she enountered a spotted owl tha ...[text shortened]... ose to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obamacare they turned me down."

1. f3

Doris and Ernie were sat in their house in the country side when suddenly a space ship landed in their garden ,two aliens in human form knocked on the door and introduced them selfs to Ernie and Doris " hello earth people we have come to breed with human beings " Doris looked at Ernie and said "well Ernie if you dont mind i will have sex with this rather handsome alien " Ernie repied " ok love ,i rather fancy this sexy female alien as well "
Doris and the alien went to the bedroom and the alien dropped his silver space pants ..OOOH Doris shrieked "thats a little todger you have there i dont think this will work " the alien looked at Doris and replied " i see you would like it bigger " he then twisted his left then right ear and his todger grew untill Doris was happy .
The next day Ernie said to Doris "how was your night ".." oooH fantastic i can hardly walk " she replied , and how was your night Ernie ? " it was a bit strange really Doris , all she did was play with my ears all night " .. :'(

Originally posted by phil3000
Doris and Ernie were sat in their house in the country side when suddenly a space ship landed in their garden ,two aliens in human form knocked on the door and introduced them selfs to Ernie and Doris " hello earth people we have come to breed with human beings " Doris looked at Ernie and said "well Ernie if you dont mind i will have sex with this rather ...[text shortened]... strange really Doris , all she did was play with my ears all night " .. :'(

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs......... So, yes, I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

The cowboy replied, 'Well I always thought I was, although I think I've just found out I'm a lesbian".

Originally posted by shortcircuit
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctor Well I always thought I was, although I think I've just found out I'm a lesbian".

Originally posted by shortcircuit
My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that
out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home
feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for
being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement
and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get ...[text shortened]... eating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an
orgasm.

I rest my case.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him. “Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, “How does that feel?” He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens. Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For Gods sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Charlie and Doris had been married for 45 years when they went out for a drive in the countryside. ''Does this are seem familiar to you, Doris?'' said Charlie. ''Yes,'' Doris replied. ''I seem to remember we made love up against that fence over there''. ''Yes, you're right!'' said Charlie. ''Fancy trying that again, old girl?'' he said. ''Why not,'' said Doris, ''I'm up for it''

Anyway, they get down to business up against the fence, and when it's all over, Charlie said,''Phew, that was great! I can't believe how energetic you were Doris, compared to 45 years ago!''.


Doris replied: ''The fence wasn't electrified 45 years ago!!!''

Originally posted by michael liddle
Charlie and Doris had been married for 45 years when they went out for a drive in the countryside. ''Does this are seem familiar to you, Doris?'' said Charlie. ''Yes,'' Doris replied. ''I seem to remember we made love up against that fence over there''. ''Yes, you're right!'' said Charlie. ''Fancy trying that again, old girl?'' he said. ''Why not,'' s plied: ''The fence wasn't electrified 45 years ago!!!''

These three guys wanted to play golf, and they were looking for another to make a foursome. So one of them says, my colleague plays, I'll ask him. And the colleague replies that sure, he'll come, Saturday morning at eight, but he might be five minutes late.
Well, he arrives on time, and plays fabulously. Next weekend, same story. He might be five minutes late, but he isn't, and plays like a pro. Next weekend, he might be five minutes late, but is on time, and plays a great game, this time left-handed!
Well, this is too weird. So the other three ask him, what's up with that? You might be five minutes late every weekend, but you never are - and you play right-handed one week, left-handed the other, and you play better than any of us with either hand!
Ok, he says, it's like this. I'm superstitious. (All golf players are, right?) When I get up on a Saturday morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's on her left side, I play left-handed. That way I always play with my best hand.
Oh right, say his buddies. But, says one of them, bright spark, what do you do when your wife is lying on her back?
Ah, says the new guy - then I'm five minutes late!

Richard