I spent 25 years raising my son, doing the best I knew how to do with the advice of many different professionals and doctors. He suffered from learning disabilities, from severe ulcerative colitis, from bi-polar syndrome, from depressions that prevented him from coping with the other problems he had.
And ultimately he suffered from the harsh words and unnecessary criticism of an ex-lover who should have known better than to send a letter that would destroy his very concept of himself.
It will be a year, on August 11, since my boy, my only boy, decided to leave us and took his own life.
What he left behind is unending grief beyond measure.
T.S. Eliot perhaps said it best for me when he wrote these lines from Little Gidding from Four Quartets, his greatest work:
Let me disclose the gifts reserved for age
To set a crown upon your lifetime's effort.
First, the cold friction of expiring sense
Without enchantment, offering no promise
But bitter tastelessness of shadow fruit
As body and soul begin to fall asunder.
Second, the conscious impotence of rage
At human folly, and the laceration
Of laughter at what ceases to amuse.
And last, the rending pain of re-enactment
Of all that you have done, and been; the shame
Of motives late revealed, and the awareness
Of things ill done and done to others' harm
Which once you took for exercise of virtue.
Then fools' approval stings, and honour stains.
From wrong to wrong the exasperated spirit
Proceeds, unless restored by that refining fire
Where you must move in measure, like a dancer.'
The day was breaking. In the disfigured street
He left me, with a kind of valediction,
And faded on the blowing of the horn.
And so I say -- keep them close, use whatever means you feel appropriate. Pay no attention to the opinions of others if, in your gut, you feel they are wrong and you are right.
Reliance on too many professionals and outsiders is, in my experience, a mistake.
But, ultimately, what you must teach your child and accept yourself is that which forms the philosophical foundation of Buddhism:
1. Be aware of what is real at this moment around you;
2. Always be able to distinguish between what is real and what are merely thoughts -- do not believe everything you think.
3. Be easy on yourself and thus you will be able to be compassionate towards others -- forgiveness and compassion are more important than most of us realize.
4. Try this on: what if notwithstanding anything you've done, said, or been; any disability, any failure or success, any defect or mistake, you are still ok just as you are. Tell your child often that no matter what, this is true for you about him. It may not be enough to save one, like mine, too ill to believe you, but you must try.
Originally posted by Scriabini am sorry for your loss. i am sorry for your son who had the misfortune to be having those problems and the even greater misfortune to fall in love with someone who could have been more considerate.
I spent 25 years raising my son, doing the best I knew how to do with the advice of many different professionals and doctors. He suffered from learning disabilities, from severe ulcerative colitis, from bi-polar syndrome, from depressions that prevented him from coping with the other problems he had.
And ultimately he suffered from the harsh words and u him. It may not be enough to save one, like mine, too ill to believe you, but you must try.
all parents desire their children to be safe. and i imagine how they dread the day when they can no longer protect them. and perhaps now you think that if you would have done something different, things might have been different.
i don't agree. i say that you most likely did a good job and you had to allow him to lead as normal life as he could, by his means. if you would have kept him close as you say he would have been unable to take care of himself later if something happened to you. sure you could have helped him every step but then he wouldn't have lived his life, would he? in my opinion, a leash(even a metaphorical leash) wouldn't have made his life lengthier, but it would have made it more unbearable.
Originally posted by ZahlanziI agree with you.
i am sorry for your loss. i am sorry for your son who had the misfortune to be having those problems and the even greater misfortune to fall in love with someone who could have been more considerate.
all parents desire their children to be safe. and i imagine how they dread the day when they can no longer protect them. and perhaps now you think that i ...[text shortened]... ical leash) wouldn't have made his life lengthier, but it would have made it more unbearable.
I sometimes get quite down on myself for the smallest reason now -- I fight the overall feeling that I'm not handling things the best way. That follows from the natural feelings associated with grief that somehow we could have or should have done something differently to prevent this catastrophic loss.
In Hesse's book "Siddhartha", an allegorical novel, Siddhartha discovers late in life that he has a son. He is living a very simple, poor existence as the assistant to a ferryman who is more than he seems -- closer to a diety than a human being. Siddhartha tries to be a father to the boy, is infinitely patient and kind. But the boy was raised in a very different environment and is spoiled, rebellious, contemptuous and disrespectful of the two old men. He runs away and Siddhartha never sees him again – just as he ran away as a youth and never saw his own parents again.
Siddhartha is beside himself with grief and guilt. At this point the ferryman – a sort of spirit guide or a spirit himself, says something about grief that is worth passing on to everyone who has lost a child:
"Ask the river about it, my friend! Hear it laugh about it! Would you actually believe that you had committed your foolish acts in order to spare your son from committing them too? And could you in any way protect your son from real life (Samsara)? How could you? By means of teachings, prayer, admonition? My dear, have you entirely forgotten that story, that story containing so many lessons, that story about Siddhartha, a Brahman's son, which you once told me here on this very spot? Who has kept the ascetic (Samana) Siddhartha safe from real life (Samsara), from sin, from greed, from foolishness? Were his father's religious devotion, his teachers’ warnings, his own knowledge, his own search able to keep him safe? Which father, which teacher had been able to protect him from living his life for himself, from soiling himself with life, from burdening himself with guilt, from drinking the bitter drink for himself, from finding his path for himself? Would you think, my dear, anybody might perhaps be spared from taking his own path? That perhaps your little son would be spared, because you love him, because you would like to keep him from suffering and pain and disappointment? But even if you would die ten times for him, you would not be able to take the slightest part of his destiny upon yourself."
--end quote from novel
It is well, I believe, to think long and deeply on these words.
So why did he kill himself? His girlfriend from those high school days, they had been lovers more than 4 years and then in an apartment for 3 years, was far from normal herself. She expected and demanded that he share completely her interests; that he read and understand her poetry, that he would not have any other, separate interests. They had other differences.
They broke up a year ago last August. We got Alex what we could at the last minute to start the semester close to campus: a basement in a run-down old house. The upside was that it was also populated with good people. Alex, on his own, connected with other guys and got a job with them so he could then move in with two of them back in the Apt complex he had been with his girlfriend and also where his sister had an apt.
Everything seemed to be going well until around Christmas of 2006 Alex told the ex girlfriend he did not want to remain being "friends" and have her contact him, want him to come over and watch movies, etc. he wanted to move on.
The Death Letter
Her reaction, in February, 7 months after they had broken up, was to send a letter that Alex's doctors told me sent my boy into the spiral of depression from which he did not recover -- that letter destroyed his self confidence. More than that, it destroyed his very concept of himself.
My wife and I read with sadness and more than a little anger this totally unnecessary indictment of my son by his ex lover. What she did was to destroy his image of himself as the "hero" or good guy in the storyline in his head about who he was in life -- she replaced it with the image of the villain, the bad guy who preys on others. The problem was, I believe, Alex believed these stories and took them as reality. They were merely thoughts, stories in his head.
She was hurt he broke off contact; she was not well herself either physically or mentally.
I've spoken with Alex's psychologist and she has been more forthcoming about the hours and hours she spent trying to counter this letter to no avail. She did not anticipate, as indeed none of us did, that Alex would decide almost immediately that it was all over for him -- he believed, naively, that he wasn't the person he thought he was and never could be.
So he decided to stop taking his meds, stop going to school, and work his job to get enough money to buy a .38 so it wouldn't be a cry for help or some ineffectual attempt, but the effective ending of his life that he accomplished.
It is the stuff of opera. Two young people, both deluded and mentally unbalanced and ill in different ways come together in an intense and for some years wonderful relationship -- then it all falls apart as almost all of these things do when one or both graduate from college.
So what do I do about all this now that all is lost?
In one of my Dharma talk sessions, the teacher told us of an African tribe who believes that when a family member is murdered and the killer captured, the tribe binds the murderer so he cannot move, drops the killer in in water over his head not too far from shore and lets the family make a choice.
If they let him drown, they will have justice, but will be cursed to mourn the rest of their lives.
If they swim out and save him, however, they will forsake justice for mercy and achieve closure, peace and move on with their lives, keeping the light of their lost one while leaving the darkness behind and letting the murderer live with his deed on his soul.
Both my wife and I read this letter as we felt we had to know why this had to happen.
We are with the Africans on this -- we are not going to take action against the doctors who failed to warn us how bad things were and that he had a gun the day before I underwent major surgery -- even though the law would be on my side and I could take their licenses and leave them a lot poorer.
The doctors did what they thought would work, and for the first and last time, Alex lied to them and broke his agreement to work it out with us and give up the gun. I will take no action against them for this, for it would doom me and my family to unending blame, rage and potential horrors we cannot even anticipate.
What would it accomplish? Bring him back? Change the reality we now must confront?
We are not going to contact either that girl or her mother and confront them with what she did to our boy out of a spirit in us of revenge and rage disguised as a need for justice.
I never want to see or hear from them again. If I ever do happen to see any of them, I shall be civil, but I will not speak to them. Let them consider for themselves the consequences of what they have done. It is of no concern to me either way.
Originally posted by ScriabinWhat exactly does any of this have to do with the topic of this thread which, I believe, referred to the appropriateness of certain measures to restrain young children?
So why did he kill himself? His girlfriend from those high school days, they had been lovers more than 4 years and then in an apartment for 3 years, was far from normal herself. She expected and demanded that he share completely her interests; that he read and understand her poetry, that he would not have any other, separate interests. They had other differ ...[text shortened]... emselves the consequences of what they have done. It is of no concern to me either way.
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Originally posted by ZahlanziThis is repulsive, note the torturous restraints, what has our society come to.
i simply find the idea that repulsing.
one of the most shameful moments of my countries history(perhaps the most) was when a couple of journalists discovered an orphanage with mentally retarded children tied to their beds, starving. the image was shocking to say the least. makes you ashame of being a human.
and now the dude that created this thread s ...[text shortened]... it is ok to tie children up as long as you do it with a pretty leash. and take them for a walk.
http://tinyurl.com/4b2zct
Originally posted by ScriabinWhat you and your family went through is truly heart-breaking.
So why did he kill himself? His girlfriend from those high school days, they had been lovers more than 4 years and then in an apartment for 3 years, was far from normal herself. She expected and demanded that he share completely her interests; that he read and understand her poetry, that he would not have any other, separate interests. They had other differ ...[text shortened]... emselves the consequences of what they have done. It is of no concern to me either way.
I am sorry for your loss, and sincerely thank & laud you for the courage it took to share your story and your son's memory with us.
Thank you.
u guys are weird.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_harness
Child harness
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A child harness (alternative: child tether, British English: walking reins) is a safety restraint for walking with small children. The device is primarily used with toddlers and children of preschool age, and typically consists of a shoulder harness with a lead (tether) secured in the back, either directly or by means of a hook.
When the device is used, a child wears the harness and a parent or a guardian holds the end of the lead or attaches it to their wrist. This allows the child relative freedom of movement in comparison to being seated in a stroller, carried by the adult (with or without a child carrier), or being held by the hand. At the same time, the child harness prevents child separation from the adult by the way of the child running off in a crowded or dangerous area, or being snatched by a pedophile or kidnapper.
There exists a difference of opinion on the use of child harnesses. Those opposed to their use argue against restraining children, in favor of hand-holding. Those in favor argue for the benefit of enhanced safety, and increased freedom of movement compared to hand-holding or confinement of children to strollers. The child safety argument has been winning over in recent years and the use of the child tether has increased, particularly in Great Britain.