Jokes

Two Welshmen meet in the pub, and one asks: "Hey, Dave, did you hear about farmer Jones?"
"No, what about farmer Jones?"
"He got caught having... shall we say... carnal relations with one of his sheep."
"Eww..."
"Well, yes, of course a ewe. There's nothing queer about farmer Jones!"

Originally posted by vandervelde
A FB friend just sent me this one:

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "No. None. But I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting ...[text shortened]... the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

Originally posted by phil3000
A farmer has 16 chickens , he has 4 chickens on the first perch, 4 chickens on the 2nd perch ,4 chickens on the 3rd perch and the other 4 are on the barn floor . How many chickens does the farmer own ?

A lion was walking through the jungle when he saw a mouse sat on top of a dead elephant .
The lion said to the mouse "why are you sat atop of that dead elephant ?"
The mouse replied " I've just killed him " ... " no! " said the lion " I don't believe you "
" yes I did , I killed him with my club " said the mouse ... " bloody hell , it must of been a big club " said the lion ... " it was , there was about 20,000 of us " said the mouse ...

Originally posted by phil3000
A lion was walking through the jungle when he saw a mouse sat on top of a dead elephant .
The lion said to the mouse "why are you sat atop of that dead elephant ?"
The mouse replied " I've just killed him " ... " no! " said the lion " I don't believe you "
" yes I did , I killed him with my club " said the mouse ... " bloody hell , it must of been a big club " said the lion ... " it was , there was about 20,000 of us " said the mouse ...

I bought a pair of tortoise skin shoe's the other day .... it took me three hours getting out the shop .

Comes a horse into a bar.
Asks the bartender: "Why the long face?"

Man laying in hospital bed ... Doctor comes to his side and say's .." well sir, I have some good news and some bad news for you " ..." what's the bad news doc ? " asked the man in the bed . " Well sir ,the bad news is that I have had to amputate both your feet "
"Oh my god ,and what is the good news ?" said the man in the bed .
"Well sir , the good news is that the man in the next bed would like to buy your slippers

Went to the zoo the other day and all they had was one dog! ........it was a Shih Tzu

A tourist calls home after two weeks journey to see how things weere going.
His cousin takes the call.
- Well how are you doing, guys - ask the tourist.
- The cat died.
- God damned dinged, you can't just throw this news in the face like that. First you say the cat climbed to he roof, and then you extend the story. It eas operated taken to the vet and so.
- Ok - said cousin in the phone.
- Well now, how is my mother-in-law?
- She climbed on the roof...

Mark Twain sat in his upstairs room ,it was a dark moonlit night and suddenly he heard a blood curdling cry of " Maaark, Maaark "
He walked slowly to his window ,opened the curtain and below he saw a bush moving and then the cry of "Maaark,Maaark "
Mark Twain was a brave man ,,he went downstairs out into the garden and stood in front of the bush and again he heard "Maaark,,Maark "
Tenderly he reached out and pulled the bush open and there stood .........
a dog with a hair lip .

An man had engine trouble in the middle of the night. A Glaswegean is coming his way and asks:
"What's the matter?
"Piston broke!"
"So am I mate"

I was going to tell you a joke about my dick but its too long.

Originally posted by Captain Strange
I was going to tell you a joke about my dick but its too long.

Scots man and a Jewish man go together for a meal at a posh steakhouse .
After the meal the Scots man say's to the waiter " lovely meal let me pay the bill and take a nice tip " .
The next day's news headline read .....Jewish ventriloquist found stabbed to death in an alley