Jokes

After regaining my senses and waking up in the Emergency Room the doctor asked me what happened?

I explained that was in a bar talking with 3 very large heavy set women who seemed to be talking with a Scottish accent. So I asked them.. "Are you women from Scotland"?

"its Wales you TWIT" one them replied"

So i then asked them.. "Are you Whales from Scotland"?. That is the last thing i remember

Originally posted by @sirrichard
After regaining my senses and waking up in the Emergency Room the doctor asked me what happened?

I explained that was in a bar talking with 3 very large heavy set women who seemed to be talking with a Scottish accent. So I asked them.. "Are you women from Scotland"?

"its Wales you TWIT" one them replied"

So i then asked them.. "Are you Whales from Scotland"?. That is the last thing i remember

How Did the Hipster Burn His Tongue?


He drank his coffee before it was cool.

an oldie but Goldie:

What did Mickey Mouse say when Minnie Mouse asked if he was listening?


I'm all ears!

Originally posted by @ponderable
an oldie but Goldie:

What did Mickey Mouse say when Minnie Mouse asked if he was listening?


I'm all ears!

How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?




Footprints in the butter.

Why do elephants use red nail polish?




So they can hide in Cherry Trees.

A mushroom walks into a bar and the barman looks down at him and says “hey...you look like a fun guy”

Originally posted by @wolfgang59
Why do elephants use red nail polish?




So they can hide in Cherry Trees.

Why di elephants have four feet?



Because eight inches would look ridiculous.

Originally posted by @shallow-blue
Don't be silly, I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree.

What do you call an old snowman?

water

Devil walks into a church on Sunday morning. Everyone flees out the door in mortal terror except for one old man up front.
He just sits there.
Devil strides over and demands, "Do YOU know who I AM!"
Old man: "I know who ya are."
Devil: "And you ain't afraid of me?"
Old man: "Naw, I ain't afraid of you."
Devil: "Why NOT!"

Old man: "Cause I been married to your sister for thirty-eight years."

So Rosanne Barr gets her check up and she asks, anything I should know?

The doctor says, "Yea, don't eat anything fatty"

Rosanne retorts, "So don't eat anything fatty like bacon or sweets?"

"No", said the doctor, "I mean fatty, don't eat anything."

A hotel guest in Port Moresby comes down to reception to make a few requests about the room he has just checked in to.

"The mini bar is empty. I'd like it filled."

"Very good, sir."

"I can't seem to adjust the air conditioning".

"Of course. We'll send a technician up."

"Could I arrange it so that no calls are put through to the room?"

"Right you are."

"And I'd like the porn disabled."

"All our porn is just regular porn, you creep!"