Parental Values & Beliefs

What are your thoughts on this?

I’m aquatinted with a guy who is still supporting / keeping an adult son. The son has had a few jobs but not managed to keep them longer than a few weeks. He spends hours laying on the sofa, watching youtube while his dad spends hours working on his self made business. His dad has offered to pay him for helping with some simple internet tasks but they argued over this after the son got angry and dictated how he carried out the tasks which his did not suit the dad’s needs.

I’m going to suggest that the dad tells the son that he will pay him an hourly wage [ minimum wage less tax & national insurance = £8.24 ] for every hour that he helps his dad. This will then be used to cover the cost of his son’s gym and mobile phone which the dad has always paid. This sum will amount to 5.5 hours work per month.
Any extra work the son does will enable him to earn some extra cash for the pub or clothes etc.

Does this sound unreasonable, harsh or helpful OR should I just butt out and continue hearing this dad’s ongoing complaints about feeling fed up with keeping and adult son and worrying if he’ll become homeless when the dad’s no longer around to prop him up?

In the meantime the son starts looking for a new job.

@Drewnogal said
What are your thoughts on this?

I’m aquatinted with a guy who is still supporting / keeping an adult son. The son has had a few jobs but not managed to keep them longer than a few weeks. He spends hours laying on the sofa, watching youtube while his dad spends hours working on his self made business. His dad has offered to pay him for helping with some simple internet t ...[text shortened]... the dad’s no longer around to prop him up?

In the meantime the son starts looking for a new job.

@Torunn said
Drew, how adult is this young man? Are there any mental problems to consider?

@Drewnogal said
Mid twenties with ADHD, has mild high functioning autism, is medicated for depression with OCD.
The NHS mental health service has nothing to offer him as he functions relatively well.

@mike69 said
This is my blend🙂, I always enjoyed working inside or out on different things or more than one job hustling side money. When I get really down after something major it takes some time with depression. Interest can totally sidetrack things if something pops up but I score higher than full autism on that scale. The one and main thing is he needs pushed hard and not let up, ...[text shortened]... ns in the other direction. He needs to be set up for success in the right ways and maybe some help.

@Drewnogal said
Exaclty, he needs to be forced to act more adult. He flies under the radar as far as his social and mental health issues are concerned. Support services only take notice when there’s a crisis like a crime or a suicide attempt.

@Great-Big-Stees said
Does “tough love” really work in these situations? 🤔

@mike69 said
Tough love or guidance in the right directions at certain times for a better life of their own? My half brothers children were, are enabled and they will always be dependent along with my brother even though I see strengths and gifts in them unused they will not achieve or grow.

@Great-Big-Stees said
The “love” in tough love indicates that it is not, in any way, punitive but some time to try and get your bearings regarding what “life” entails.

@Great-Big-Stees said
The “love” in tough love indicates that it is not, in any way, punitive but some time to try and get your bearings regarding what “life” entails.

@mike69 said
So do you have an opinion to your question, I understand the meaning?

@Great-Big-Stees said
We dealt with a “child”, in his mid 30s, who felt “the world owed him a living”. He had some issues, for which he took meds, but was smart and capable. We ended up having to apply the tough love approach but after a couple of months of his “hating” us for kicking him out, he thanked us, saying it really was what he needed.

@mike69 said
I agree, my children moved out and started their lives and futures quickly. At the same time we both know there is much more with the children mentioned to think about, a larger scope of view to focus on and deal with.

@Great-Big-Stees said
Absolutely. We were, for many years, long term foster parents, who dealt with a plethora of issues. We still have one of them now. He was 4 months old when we fostered, both he and his biological brother. He is on the autism spectrum and although now 29 years old he functions like about 6-7. We deal, daily, with many issues with him but in the end they are often more amusing than serious.

@mike69 said
Remembering correctly he is also gifted in areas. It takes special people with special hearts to do what yourself and wife have done fostering and on.