Light relief

What excuse did Adam give his children about why he no longer lived in Eden?

Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

So Adam and God were talking in the garden.

God: "What's wrong Adam?"

Adam: I'm feeling kinda lonely and down"

God: "How about a companion? I could make you a companion that would wait on you, and clean up after you, and do anything your hearts desire and treat you like a king 24/7"

Adam: "Ok, how much would it cost me?"

God: "It will probably cost you an arm and a leg"

Adam: "Na, the price is too steep, what would you give me for just a rib?"

Originally posted by @whodey
An atheist dies and is surprised to see himself standing outside the gates of heaven.

St. Peter: "Sorry, only believers are allowed"

Atheist: "But two weeks before I died I gave $100 to Christian Aid"

St. Peter: "Ok, wait here, I'll have to have a word with the boss"

St. Peter returns a few minutes later.

St. Peter: "Here is your $100 back, now hit the road!"

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

Whats easier to pick up the heavier it gets?


Fat chicks

Most children eventually learn when not to bore others with their vapid comments. Some don't.

Most children also learn when something is funny and when it's just hurtful. Again, some don't.

Not many people know this but Noah became a very rich person.

For you see, his stock floated up while everyone else was in liquidation.

Sister Deena had just returned home from Sunday evening service when she was startled by a burglar. With great biblical authority she yelled, " stop! Acts 2: 38, which implies " Turn from your sin"
The theif stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man, he asked the burglar, " Why did you stop you burgling? All the old lady did was yell a Bible verse at you."
" Bible verse?" replied the crook. " She said she had an axe and two .38s!"

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St.. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learn't it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Originally posted by @karoly-aczel
Whats easier to pick up the heavier it gets?


Fat chicks

Originally posted by @whodey
Not many people know this but Noah became a very rich person.

For you see, his stock floated up while everyone else was in liquidation.

Originally posted by @whodey
Sister Deena had just returned home from Sunday evening service when she was startled by a burglar. With great biblical authority she yelled, " stop! Acts 2: 38, which implies " Turn from your sin"
The theif stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man, he asked the bur ...[text shortened]... ble verse at you."
" Bible verse?" replied the crook. " She said she had an axe and two .38s!"

Originally posted by @whodey
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that
type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to ca ...[text shortened]... "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."