Jokes

I am a little concerned that all the stores will close thanks to Covid, which means we will have to return to hunting for our food.

Problem is, I have no idea what kind of habitat Doritos lives in.

Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.

i needed social contact
so i went to a strip club last night

they were clothed

I hear that we should wipe and clean everything in our homes so we don't contract the plague, so I went into my bathroom to clean for the fist time in years but once there I decided, no, some things are worse than death.

Before corona I had to cough to cover a fart, but now I have to fart to cover a cough.

Speaking of which, a good rule of thumb is if you can smell it you're too close.

Bernie Sanders is in crisis mode with Leftist schools and universities being out. He is adamant that they need to get back to class before they start trying to think for themselves.

Always remember, dogs may be man's best friend but a cat will never tell police where your weed stash is.

@whodey
You need fresh material, your so-called jokes fall flat. Like I said, don't quit your day job.

@sonhouse said
@whodey
You need fresh material, your so-called jokes fall flat. Like I said, don't quit your day job.

@orangutan said
Whodey has a day job?

A man with a frog growing out of the top of his head walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up at the man with a confused look on his face and asks, "how did that happen?"
The man turns towards the bartender and stares into his eyes.
"Well, it all started as a watt on my ass", said the frog.

@earl-of-trumps said
A man with a frog growing out of the top of his head walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up at the man with a confused look on his face and asks, "how did that happen?"
The man turns towards the bartender and stares into his eyes.
"Well, it all started as a watt on my ass", said the frog.

@handyandy said
wart?

@sonhouse said
@whodey
You need fresh material, your so-called jokes fall flat. Like I said, don't quit your day job.

How things get done in Washington DC

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.