Jokes

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?




Because the pee is silent!


What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz?




Cheese was!


What do you call a magician dog?




A labracadabrador!


What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?




One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!


Wait, you don't want to hear a joke about potassium?




K.

@ponderable said
You didn't make it up it is around at least 20 years.

here is another old one:

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.

The car almost careened out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it ...[text shortened]... Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

@whodey

We can all hope you get C19 then.

@Suzianne
My son came up with one: What do you call a hooker who farted?

A ProstiTOOT…..

@sonhouse

There is something wrong with ANYONE who would wish Covid-19 on somebody!

-VR

@Very-Rusty
This is the jokes section remember. That wasn't serious. Anyway, I will probably get it first.

The governor told me that to go to the store all I had to do was wear a mask.


To make a long story short, they lied, everyone else had cloths on and I still got arrested.

@sonhouse said
@Very-Rusty
This is the jokes section remember. That wasn't serious. Anyway, I will probably get it first.

Times are really tough right now.

People are living paycheck to paycheck, landlords are living month to month, and banks are living bail out to bail out.

@whodey said
https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/laughing-skeleton-2136723

(picture of skeleton laughing)

Too bad you can't post pictures

When something is so funny because you have been dead inside for years.

A man checked into a seedy business hotel near the railway station in Fukushima in Japan. He was shown to his room and told to ring down to reception if he needed any help. Sure enough, after checking the room over, he rang down. "The air conditioning seems stuck on one setting". "Ok sir, we'll send our engineer up to look at that. Anything else?" "Yes, the TV. I'd like the porn disabled." After an awkward silence: "We only have regular porn, you creep."

Two small boys met during their first day at school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My daddy is a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy."No, just the normal kind," replied Tommy.

Captain Drumpf of the RMS Titanic here...

~There isn't any iceberg.

~There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.

~The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.

~There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.

~We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.

~The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.

~We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats.

~Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.

~We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors.

~Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.

~I really don't think we need that many lifeboats.

~We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats.

~The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.

~Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.

[from an e-mail a friend sent]