Jokes

Two men fiddle around witha shotgun. Accidently a shot is fired in the face of one. The othersays: "Don't look at me this way I was startled, too."

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only
son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote
a letter to his son describing his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be able to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

What do you get when you plays New Age Music backwards? New Age Music.

A fellow is getting married for the seventh time and he and his soon to be bride decide to write their own vows, they start with, "OK look..."

NEVER ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

So this 8 year old girl was sitting in her science class as the teacher began to discuss whales. Elated, the girl eagerly raised her hand and said, "I learned last Sunday in Sunday school class that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the Old Testament"

There appeared a smirk on the face of the science teacher as she said, "I can assure you that this never happened, whales are not capable of swallowing a human."

Undaunted, the little girl protested saying, "But the whale swallowed Jonah and we all know that the Bible is true.

Once again, the teacher rebuffed the child and showed the class pictures of the average size of a whales throat and the average size of a human being so as to disprove her assertions.

The child then began to sulk back into her chair as the teacher began to smirk once again feeling victorious.

It was at that very moment the child retorted, "Well I'll have to ask Jonah about all this when I get to heaven."

Moving in for the final crushing blow to the fledgling faith of the small child the teacher proclaimed, "What makes you think he went to heaven, maybe he went to hell."

The child retorted, "Well then, you can ask him"

Originally posted by whodey
NEVER ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

So this 8 year old girl was sitting in her science class as the teacher began to discuss whales. Elated, the girl eagerly raised her hand and said, "I learned last Sunday in Sunday school class that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the Old Testament"

There appeared a smirk on the face of the science teacher as she said, "I ca ...[text shortened]... k he went to heaven, maybe he went to hell."

The child retorted, "Well then, you can ask him"

Originally posted by wolfgang59
😴

Dentist: "I'm sorry, but that tooth will have to come out."
Patient: "Do I need another appointment?"
Dentist" No, I'll extract it right now. Take only ten minutes."
Patient: "How much will that cost?"
Dentist: "150 dollars."
Patient: "150 dollars for ten minutes work! Why, that's outrageous!"
Dentist: "If you prefer, I will extract it slowly."

Originally posted by whodey
NEVER ARGUE WITH CHILDREN

So this 8 year old girl was sitting in her science class as the teacher began to discuss whales. Elated, the girl eagerly raised her hand and said, "I learned last Sunday in Sunday school class that Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the Old Testament"

There appeared a smirk on the face of the science teacher as she said, "I ca ...[text shortened]... k he went to heaven, maybe he went to hell."

The child retorted, "Well then, you can ask him"

Teacher: "why does the blood flow in my head when I am standing on my hands, but not in my feet when I am standing upright?"
Pupil: "because your feet are not hollow..."

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after April 1st, 2015.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating".
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Three blondes are walking through a wood. A fairy appears and says:
Normally people get three wishes, since you are three one wish each.
"I want to be blonder" says the first, and she becomes blonder.
"I want to be more beautiful" says the seocnd and she becomes more beautiful.
"I want to be dumber" says the third and becomes

a man...

"As we progress into 2015, I want to thank the internet for
all the educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..

Now You Have Yourself a Very Good Day." -author unknown
(recent email forward from a friend)

Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
"As we progress into 2015, I want to thank the internet for
all the educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel. ...[text shortened]...
Now You Have Yourself a Very Good Day." -author unknown
(recent email forward from a friend)