Jokes

Here's one of my favorites.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and said, "What are your rates?"
"50 dollars for three questions."
"Isn't that rather steep?"
"Yes," said the lawyer. "And what was your third question?"

A man goes into the doctor complaining of stress headaches. He can't sleep, can't work, it's terrible.

The doctor tells him, "When I have stress headaches I take a day off and spend the whole day in bed with my wife. Works every time."

The next time the man is in for a visit the doctor asks him, "Hey did you cure your headaches?"

The man says, "Absolutely, your advice worked great. And Doc, you have a real nice house."

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T.G.I.F"
He smiled at her and replied, "S.H.I.T"
She looked puzzled and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,
"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

apparently all the toilets in the new Scotland yard police HQ have been stolen a police spokesperson said they were mystified and so far had nothing to go on.

Oscar Pistourius was about to do some D.I.Y on his bathroom door ,he couldn't because his wife was dead against it . 😲

Says the barkeep we don't serve faster than light particles.
Comes a tachyon into a bar.

Originally posted by Ponderable
Says the barkeep we don't serve faster than light particles.
Comes a tachyon into a bar.

Did you hear about the all you can eat buffet manager who had a heart attack? Seems he saw 40 members of the Samoan Sumo Wrestling league come in for lunch....

Two scientists came into a bar, the first asked for H2O, the second for H2O, too. The second died.

Originally posted by Ponderable
Two scientists came into a bar, the first asked for H2O, the second for H2O, too. The second died.

A rabbi, apriest and a pastor come into a bar.

Says the barkeep: Is this a joke or what?

Originally posted by Ponderable
Two scientists came into a bar, the first asked for H2O, the second for H2O, too. The second died.

man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre



so the barmaid gives him one

What did the hat say to the hat rack?
"You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

A bunch of YECs found a book on magic.
They chanted and asked for creation to be as described in genesis.
Brought a whole new meaning to the word sunburnt.