Jokes

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

Having checked in at a hotel in Hong Kong and had a look the room, a guest comes down to reception in the lobby to make a few requests about the room.

"The fridge is empty. And there are no snacks. I'd like them restocked."

"As you wish, sir."

"I need help to adjust the air conditioning".

"Right you are. We'll send our engineer up."

"Could I arrange it so that no calls are put through to the telephone in the room?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"And I'd like the porn disabled."

"All our porn is just regular porn, you creep!"

Two men walk into a bar. Bartender asks what they would both like to drink. The first man says "I'll have some H2O". The second then chimes in " I'll have some H2O too". Bartender brings them both their drinks. The second man dies.

Originally posted by UserChevy
Two men walk into a bar. Bartender asks what they would both like to drink. The first man says "I'll have some H2O". The second then chimes in " I'll have some H2O too". Bartender brings them both their drinks. The second man dies.

Bert and Wilma sat in their front room ,Match of the day came on the telly Bert threw one of his peanuts in the air ,headed it and kicked it against the wall the peanut bounced of the wall and lodged in Berts ear .
Bert banged his ear trying to dislodge the peanut with no avail .
" Come here " Wilma said and stuck one of her knitting needles in his ear ,pushing it even further in .
"Get off stupid woman ,you've made it worse " shrieked Bert
" I know ,go in the back room our Shirleys with her new boyfriend and he's training to be a doctor " Wilma said
Bert went to the back room ,opened the door and turned the light on , Shirleys boyfriend shot up looking surprised .
" listen kid I've got this peanut stuck In my ear and I can't get it out ,can you help me " asked Bert to his daughters boyfriend .
" cause I can ,come here ,when I stick my fingers up your nose ,blow ! " said Shrileys boyfriend ...Bert blew and the peanut shot out of his ear .
Bert went back to his wife and told her what happened .
" What a lovely boy he is ,I wonder what he will become ?" said Wilma
" Well ,by the smell of his fingers our son in law " replied Bert

Comes the Zero vector the psychatrist and says. I am so disoriented....

Originally posted by Ponderable
Comes the Zero vector the psychatrist and says. I am so disoriented....

Did you hear about the deaf Pirate.......he had no Buccaneers

Mom to son:"Why did you stop painting the veranda?"
Son:" because of the weather."
Mom looks out the window, sun is shining beautifully outside.
"But there's no rain around!"
Son:"Yep, I'm goin' swimming!"

A blck-clad man knocks at heavens' door. St. Peter opens and aks "what is the matter with you?"
"I am a Football referree and made a mistake. In the game England-Italy I decided to give Italy a Penalty...
"when was that?"
"About 30 seconds ago."

Did you know?
There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house.
This is due to its powerful hind legs, and the fact that the average house...
cannot jump.

So we had the Miss Universe contest and believe it or not, someone from Earth won AGAIN! Some kind of bribery going on here or what?

I hate being bipolar,

It's awesome!

My 4 year old daughter told me this joke, it's the first actual joke she's ever told.

Why don't Bears wear socks?

Because the have bear feet.


Still fkn cracks me up. My wee angel.

Reminds me of a joke I first learned.

What is the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise?

A dolphin has no porpoise.