Jokes

Q. What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A. He sang until he found the right key!

I named my dog "Guess"
so whenever people ask his name I say "Guess"

I changed my laptop password to "incorrect"
so whenever I get it wrong it says "Your password is incorrect"

On employment forms where it asks "Who to contact in case of accident"
I write "A nearby doctor"

A surgeon friend of mine wants gender reassignment surgery, but I told him he could never pull it off.

Originally posted by sonhouse
A surgeon friend of mine wants gender reassignment surgery, but I told him he could never pull it off.

Did you hear about the man who desperately wanted a bigger dong?
His Fairy Godmother appeared and granted him one wish.

"I wish I had the genitalia of an elephant" said the man.

There was a flash and some smoke and the man split up the middle and fell apart.

So this Pries and Rabbi were walking in a park one day talking to each other and as they were walking, they saw some young boys playing basketball in the park.

The Priest then looks at the Rabbi and says, "Be honest, wouldn't you like to screw those boys.?" The Rabbi looks at him puzzled and says, "Sure, but out of what?"

Originally posted by wolfgang59
Did you hear about the man who desperately wanted a bigger dong?
His Fairy Godmother appeared and granted him one wish.

"I wish I had the genitalia of an elephant" said the man.

There was a flash and some smoke and the man split up the middle and fell apart.

A Scots man was found dead in a locked toilet in the Australian out back , he wondered why no one came to his aid after he stuck his head out of the window shouting " I can ger rout ,I can ger rout "

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs..
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

found this one on the net:



My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

—John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri

Originally posted by Ponderable
found this one on the net:



My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

—John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri

So this police officer radios into headquarters that he has just met an old woman who shot her husband for waking on a recently wet and clean floor.

The captain then asked the officer, "Have walked over and arrested her yet?"

To which the police officer said, "Hell no, the floor is still wet."

“One day, the old wise Socrates walks down the streets, when all of the sudden a man runs up to him "Socrates I have to tell you something about your friend who..."
"Hold up" Socrates interrupts him "About the story you're about to tell me, did you put it trough the three sieves?"
"Three sieves?" The man asks "What three sieves?"
"Let's try it" Socrates says.
"The first sieve is the one of truth, did you examine what you were about to tell me if it is true?" Socrates asks.
"Well no, I just overheard it" The man says.
"Ah, well then you have used the second sieve, the sieve of good?" Socrates asks "Is it something good what you're about to tell me?"
"Ehm no, on the contrary" the man answers.
"Hmmm" The wise man says "Let's use the third sieve then, is it necessary to tell me what you're so exited about?"
"No not necessary" the man says.
"Well" Socrates says with a smile "If the story you're about to tell me isn't true, good or necessary, just forget it and don't bother me with it.”
"Socrates chill dude, your fly is open"

Originally posted by whodey
“One day, the old wise Socrates walks down the streets, when all of the sudden a man runs up to him "Socrates I have to tell you something about your friend who..."
"Hold up" Socrates interrupts him "About the story you're about to tell me, did you put it trough the three sieves?"
"Three sieves?" The man asks "What three sieves?"
"Let's try it" Socrates sa ...[text shortened]... ecessary, just forget it and don't bother me with it.”
"Socrates chill dude, your fly is open"

You've heard of the astronomer's creed?

If it radiates, measure it.

It if doesn't, ask it for money.