Jokes

Originally posted by whodey
I got another true story for ya.

These was an old lady walking her dog one day as a man came up behind her, bashed her over the head, and grabbed her purse. When she came around she started laughing. Puzzled, the police asked her what she was laughing about and wanted to know if she wanted to list what was stolen from her purse. She said, "That was not purse, that was a pooper scooper."

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
"Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back."

Originally posted by Great Big Stees
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
"Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back."

So this guy wants to go to his prom but he can't find a date and is very self conscience about a false wood eye he has to wear. Despite this, he goes to the prom anyway going stag. He then sees a girl across the room who is not very good looking who had visible hair growing on her upper lip, so he goes over to ask her to dance thinking she would be an easy score. She then replies, "Would eye!" to which he pointed and screamed, "Hair lip, hair lip, hair lip!"

Originally posted by Great Big Stees
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
"Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back."

I saw some graffiti the other day that said, "3 things I hate, 1. vandalism, 2. irony, 3. lists"

Originally posted by whodey
I saw some graffiti the other day that said, "3 things I hate, 1. vandalism, 2. irony, 3. lists"

Originally posted by phil3000
A Scots man and a Jewish man went together to a posh restaurant .
They had all the finest food and drink ,lobster ,champagne and caviar .
At the end of the night the waiter came over with the bill ,the Jewish man said " I will pay that " .
The next day the headlines of the paper read ....Scottish ventriloquist found shot in an alley behind posh restaurant ...

Originally posted by apathist
That required too much thinking.

Originally posted by wolfgang59
If they don't like vandalism they shouldn't be writing on walls.

Originally posted by robbie carrobie
accent is spot on 😀

The Pessimist says: The glas is half empty.
The Optimist says. the glas is half full.
The Engineer says: The glas is double the size it needs to be.

You and Jack are buddies, and ride horses together.
Jack sees you are having a bit of trouble getting off the horse so he helps you to get off your horse.

Because he helped you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?

Originally posted by Ponderable
The Pessimist says: The glas is half empty.
The Optimist says. the glas is half full.
The Engineer says: The glas is double the size it needs to be.

Originally posted by sonhouse
You and Jack are buddies, and ride horses together.
Jack sees you are having a bit of trouble getting off the horse so he helps you to get off your horse.

Because he helped you off a horse, would you help Jack off a horse?