A man was explaining to a friend about the time he got lost in the North African desert during the war.
'Suddenly, there were arabs behind me, in front of me and on both sides of me. I was surrounded'.
'My God' said his friend 'what did you do?'
'I bought the carpet'.
Originally posted by znshohow do you make a woman scream twice?
A man was explaining to a friend about the time he got lost in the North African desert during the war.
'Suddenly, there were arabs behind me, in front of me and on both sides of me. I was surrounded'.
'My God' said his friend 'what did you do?'
'I bought the carpet'.
stick it up her a....hole then wipe it on the curtain.
Originally posted by Jay Joosbloke in the desert dying of hunger. then over the dunes came 3 men eating bacon sandwhiches.
Very good Silly mc !!!!!!😵
'where did you them from?' asks the man
'just over there' one man replies, pointing to a tree.
'its a bacon tree' says the second man.#
in dibelief the hungry man walks over to the tree.to his suprise there lies a loaf of bread, butter, ketchup and what looks like bacon hanging from the tree.
he butters the bread and is just about to pick some meat when all of a sudden about 300 arrows are fired at him. the man runs in panic.
once at a safe distance he meets up with the 3 men he had seen previously.
'you morons' the man says
'thats not a bacon tree, it a hambush'
Originally posted by silly mctall"GGGRRROOOAAANNN"
bloke in the desert dying of hunger. then over the dunes came 3 men eating bacon sandwhiches.
'where did you them from?' asks the man
'just over there' one man replies, pointing to a tree.
'its a bacon tree' says the second man.#
in dibelief the hungry man walks over to the tree.to his suprise there lies a loaf of bread, butter, ketchup and what l ...[text shortened]... seen previously.
'you morons' the man says
'thats not a bacon tree, it a hambush'
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Originally posted by shortcircuitSuperb...wish i had seen it !!!
[b]I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's corr ...[text shortened]...
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council,
they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentive."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.
