Ivory Tower Relational Advice

Originally posted by darvlay
The guy's not really my friend and I'm not really looking out for him, I just don't like the girl

There is your motive in your own words....What do you think of yourself?

Originally posted by Aynat
There is your motive in your own words....What do you think of yourself?

I think I have little tolerance for unpleasant trollops.

Originally posted by kirksey957
OK, class , we're sort of getting away from the lesson plan. Let me ask you this. List the traits you feel most attract you to a partner. Things like "similar interests, good personality, attractive, smart, athletic, puts up with me, daddy's got money (ok, that one's a joke), etc."

Someone that my dog likes...she's got really good judgement.
Someone that understands why dogs are important.

Someone who is okay with me....the me not on her best behavior...whether it is crabby, whinny or goofy.

Someone who likes to play... and understands why the broom and dust cloth are really implements of destruction. (No, I don't have a cleaning fetish).

Someone who understands that conversation is optional.

Someone who has friends and intrests of his own....and doesn't need me to babysit or wait home alone for him to get done.

Originally posted by Aynat
Someone that my dog likes...she's got really good judgement.
Someone that understands why dogs are important.

Someone who is okay with me....the me not on her best behavior...whether it is crabby, whinny or goofy.

Someone who likes to play... and understands why the broom and dust cloth are really implements of destruction. (No, I don't have a cleanin ...[text shortened]... d intrests of his own....and doesn't need me to babysit or wait home alone for him to get done.

I very much like what you've said. There is a lot of realism in your post. I go into a lot of different homes in my line of work and one thing I have learned is that if I can make friends with the family dog (cats usually hide), I've already established trust. The dog represents a lot of stuff. It begs (excuse the pun) the question, will he/she accept my stuff. It also represents divided loyalties which comes into play when you have children.

OK, here's a good relational exercise for all you "related" couples ou there. Find a room in your home to wallpaper. Whooo now! Slow down. What you're gong to do is together go pick out some wall paper. Secondly, you're going to put the wallpaper together. Key word is "together." I can promise you at the end of the day, the relationship will either be over or better. Trust me.

Originally posted by kirksey957
I very much like what you've said. There is a lot of realism in your post. I go into a lot of different homes in my line of work and one thing I have learned is that if I can make friends with the family dog (cats usually hide), I've already established trust. The dog represents a lot of stuff. It begs (excuse the pun) the question, will he/she acce ...[text shortened]... n promise you at the end of the day, the relationship will either be over or better. Trust me.

Ooh, ooh! I want the Charlse Darwin/Bertrand Russell wallpaper with the matching border strips!

Originally posted by kirksey957
One of the things I suggest to couples thinking about marriage is to go find a good therapist trained in working with couples and couples' issues and devote 6 months to looking at who you are individually and who you are as a couple. Y ...[text shortened]... re in love." Yea, verily, the road to awefully wedded whatever.

I think you may be on to something here. Marriage counceling never really crossed my mind. i think this may very well be sound advice. You started a good post I wish the topic could remain on what we started it on rather than other distractions.

Do you wish to expand this post to other emotional issues that may be at the heart of relationships or strictly relationships alone???

I have done alot of thinking today to realize that I want independence but at the same time I want a codependent relationship with the women I am going to marry. A relationship where we rely on each other for our common wants and needs. This is to say that I feel as though I want to do things on my own but almost feel dependent on this companionship to fill a void that I have in my life. True there is a space that a companion would fill but there are other issues which I need to address. I havent been happy in quite some time. I am not sure if this is because I am lonely or if this is only part of it. I often feel trapped in columbus a town which I hate. I am here solely because my son is here and I dont want to leave him behind. I am homesick and miss my family which is in the greater Boston area. I do not know the source of this unhappiness all I know is I have been miserable for along time now, I want to be happy again, and want that happiness to come from within not generated from someone else. Yes professor I understand that I must deal with these other emotional and life stresses before I should persue any kind of relationship, but it does not make me feel any less lonely.

I see patterns developing. My own father was never there, although I am here for my son I feel as though alot of the time I can not do things for him that I would like to. Sometimes I feel as though this makes me a bad father. I want to be there for hin more than I am but unfortunetly it is not possible and I feel as though my son is missing out, thus passing on a very destructive pattern.

I am poor. Dirt poor and am having trouble with my finances. I am in debt up to my eyeballs and feel as though I am being buried alive in bills. It feels as though the harder I try the worse it gets. I am in a job that I love but doesnt pay very well thus stuck in the position stay in a gonowhere job and be happy not making any money or get another job that I hate that pays more money. I find myself looking at the bankruptcy option more and more.

Growing up as a kid we moved around a bunch. Every time we met new friends my mother would move us. Often times in the middle of the night sometimes leaving all of our belongings behind, due to her own financial difficulties, I feel as though in both of these cases the sins of the parents is inherited by the children, I learned bad examples and am passing them on unintentially. I am battling depression and constant anxiety which is why I am in the care of a councelor at the pastoral institue which you know. I am taking Lexapro for depression and I dont feel as though it works at all.

I see all of my friends married with kids and it only adds to my depression...in tears believe it or not just writing down all of this stuff...just bair with me I think it feel kind of theraputic.
I was very much in love with Theresa which is my childs mother, she was almost 10 years older than me. I loved her and felt as though she loved me every time I approached the subject of marriage she would change the subject, she would not marry me. Looking back on things I feel used. She knew I loved her and she felt her biological clock ticking and she used me to have a baby. She used me for my sperm believe it or not. Once she got what she wanted ie a baby she told me it wasnt going to work out and even tried to say the baby wasnt mine to rid herself fromcontact with me, a paternity test proved otherwise. I ultimately had to take her to court for her to let me see my son. Now she only lets me see him when the courts say it is ok. Not nearly enough in my opinion. In alot of ways I am very angry with her, it has been 3 years. At first break up I found myself having tons of sex with as many girls as possible sometimes 5-6 different girls in a week i was trying to forget her I was trying to replace her. I did alot of drugs and alot of drinking trying to shut out those memories. For the longest time I did not realize that I was still in love with her regardless of the situation. It took me 3 years to finally realize this. I have forgiven her and asked for her forgiveness and no longer feel as though I am binded to her. Now a want to find someone comes from my want to be with someone to share my life with not wanting to replace her.
Continuing on I feel as though I am stuck in this rut and dont know the way to get out. I feel as though I am trapped in a hole, and I am trying to dig my way out of the hole, but the hole is only getting deeper and to make things worse the dirt I am slinging from this hole is getting everybody I love and care about, as a result I feel as though they are kicking all of the dirt back in on me and I am being buried alive in it all. I feel so overwhelmed.

It should be said that I am an emotional wreck who needs to concern himself with getting well before pursuing any kind of relationship but there again how do I fight the loneliness.

I have been extremly honest with everyone today which takes more than you know. I feel as though you guys are family. I honestly come here for advice and "therapy" I appreciate all of everyones love and support.
I would ask that we try to keep this forum site exclusively for the relationship and life issues at hand.
Thanks for listening

DBP -ROB-

Thanks for taking the time to read this I know it is quite long

Originally posted by rwingett
Ooh, ooh! I want the Charlse Darwin/Bertrand Russell wallpaper with the matching border strips!

I have been through many a wallpaper book and I have yet to find that. I think painting is a better option for atheists and humanists but I can't explain why. Maybe it's the minimalist approach. 🙂

Originally posted by kirksey957
Thanks, Rob, for your honesty and sharing. A couple of observations and comments. There is nothing that happens in these forums that is a substitute for your on-going therapy. You are to be commended for that. The other observation I have is that your last post sounded more real. Here's the irony. You sounded more depressed and emotionally worn out ...[text shortened]... ou said was that you are not ready for what you want. If you know that, you're on the way.

Maybe the problem is I dont know what I want. I know I want to be happy. But what will make me happy. The best way to decribe the way I feel right now is that pink floyd song "Hey You". I feel trapped behind a wall. I am not sure if this way is self made or made by others or both. All I know is the depression I am feeling at this very moment is really overwhelming. The only thing that seems to help is writing all of these things down. I also feel angry and want to break something but am not sure what i am angry at. I feel abandonded and ostracized but again I am not sure if I seclude myself by choice or my actions. I know I dont like being alone, I get stuck with a "Poor me attitude" which I dont want to have anymore but again I cant see 2 feet in front of me never mind the end of the path

Originally posted by kirksey957
They get seduced by "Oh, we know what we want because we're in love." Yea, verily, the road to awefully wedded whatever.

Then again, "many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage".

-W.S.

Originally posted by bbarr
Then again, "many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage".

-W.S.

Hey, Bennett, you'd appreciate this qoute as it is from a one time leader of the Society of Humanists, Thomas Szasz: "Marriages made in heaven usually don't work on earth."

Originally posted by kirksey957
Hey, Bennett, you'd appreciate this qoute as it is from a one time leader of the Society of Humanists, Thomas Szasz: "Marriages made in heaven usually don't work on earth."

All marriages are made on Earth. Nobody has been pre-ordained as the soulmate of another. The whole notion of a soulmate is a cop-out; an excuse to resist compromising and doing the internal work necessary for humility in a relationship and actual intimacy with another person. People think that if they just find their soulmate, their relationship won't be hard work (for reasons about which nobody who subscribes to this peculiar delusion is ever clear). Love is like a bus: if you coast for too long, you'll drive off a cliff. You have to drive the love-bus, and driving a bus is work.

Originally posted by bbarr
All marriages are made on Earth. Nobody has been pre-ordained as the soulmate of another. The whole notion of a soulmate is a cop-out; an excuse to resist compromising and doing the internal work necessary for humility in a relationship and actual intimacy with another person. People think that if they just find their soulmate, their relationship won't be ...[text shortened]... too long, you'll drive off a cliff. You have to drive the love-bus, and driving a bus is work.

This makes alot of sense to me Bennett. Love is hard work. I never thought of soul mates being a copout but I can see what you are saying.

Originally posted by deathbypawn
Do you think wallpaper with smiley faces on it would work in this current dilema😀

Uh....no. But I've heard that a Pepto Bismol color is a favorite for prisons as it seems to relax prisoners.