Jokes

@the-gravedigger said
Car battery walks into a bar.

Bar tender says don't start anything !

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them jerk offs."

The female praying mantis initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
“Honey, I'm home. What the ........."😉

@Pianoman1
Takes the phrase 'giving head' to a whole new level.....

@sonhouse said
@Pianoman1
Takes the phrase 'giving head' to a whole new level.....

@whodey
Don't quit your day job......

Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died!

Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor:" Good! You understood the story!
Next patient please!"

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

So this guy walks into a bar and walks up to a bartender who is a good friend.


Guy: "I gotta have a drink, yesterday my best friend Ted ran away with my wife"

Bartender: "Sure, this one is on the house since you are feeling so bad, but when did Ted become your best friend?"

Guy: "As of yesterday!"

A Wall joke.
Asking a Mexican what he thought of the wall between US and Mexico, he said:
"We are very very upset... but we'll get over it."


😛 😛 😛

another wall joke (historic).

Honecker Comes back to Berlin after a business trip. All lights on, nobody to be seen.
He arrives at the Volkskammer, all lights on nobody to be seen.
He Comes to his home, all lights on, nobody to be seen.
he goes to his Office, all lights on, a notice on the desk: "Erich there is a whole in the wall, we made it, just tun the lights off when you follow us."

Erich Honecker wakes up, throws open his doors and welcomes the rising sun with a hearty "Good morning." "Good morning, dear Erich," it replies. After lunch he greets the sun again. "Good day, dear Erich," it responds. At bedtime he bids the sun goodnight. "Kiss my ass," it tells him. "I'm in the West now."

@the-gravedigger said
Erich Honecker wakes up, throws open his doors and welcomes the rising sun with a hearty "Good morning." "Good morning, dear Erich," it replies. After lunch he greets the sun again. "Good day, dear Erich," it responds. At bedtime he bids the sun goodnight. "Kiss my ass," it tells him. "I'm in the West now."

@very-rusty said
Little boy asks his father: Dad how come there aren't any circuses around now?

Father answers: Because all the clowns got into Politics.

-VR

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up. "I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"