Jokes

@Ponderable

A police officer calls into dispatch saying, "I need back up. A woman has shot her husband because he walked on the floor she had just mopped"
Dispatch asked, " Do you have the woman in custody?"
"No", said the officer, "The floor's still wet".

@great-big-stees said
@Ponderable

A police officer calls into dispatch saying, "I need back up. A woman has shot her husband because he walked on the floor she had just mopped"
Dispatch asked, " Do you have the woman in custody?"
"No", said the officer, "The floor's still wet".

Just so everyone knows, I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon

I'll let you know.

@whodey said
Just so everyone knows, I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon

I'll let you know.

@ponderable said
So you know what came first?

Very clever 😀

@great-big-stees said
I wonder it the chicken, "beat" it?

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
- Just between us, something smells.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.

Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will" Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!”

Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Alexandria replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

@whodey

Whodey is becoming astronaut. His friends ask where he would go and he replies:
To the sun
But isn't that awful hot?

«whodey: Did the joke become better by inserting a name?
Simpleton! We'll fly in the night!

You might be a conservative if...

- You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
- You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two."
- You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
- You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
- You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
- You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
- You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

Yeah, you might be a conservative... but you'd certainly be an idiot.

@WOLFE63

Mwhahahaha!!

You might be a Leftist if:

1. You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women

2. You believe in freedom of speech except for anyone that dares to disagrees with you so you shout them down and censor what they have to say on Facebook, Twitter, etc.

3. You believe that businesses create oppression, and governments create prosperity.

4. You believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

5. You call the execution of a homicidal maniac “murder” but call abortion “pro-choice”.

6. You’ve ever argued that “you can’t legislate morality”, but in the next breath preach to everyone that Jesus wants us to have the government help the poor through socialism and rant about the sins of racism, pollution, not recycling, and the need for our overall collective salvation ONLY through government.

7. You call Trump Hitler, but not all the other Presidents who have started a war since Jimmy Carter.

8. You don't believe that the Nazis really were socialists, they just referred to themselves as socialists as well as implement socialist politics to confuse everyone

9. You believe that global warming is the source of all our ills, (other than Trump), and that taxation and government regulation is the only solution to it. In fact, you knew that taxation and government regulation was the answer to all our ills even before you learned about global warming. You just had that inkling.

10. The only freedoms you are concerned with are abortion rights, access to illicit drugs, and being free to have sex anytime with anyone. To hell with a free market cuz we all know just how free we would all be without money and pot to piss in.

I swear, ever since Trump was elected Leftists have acted like Trump will kill all the gays, take away women's rights, and bring back slavery.

Did Trump become a Muslim?

@whodey said
@WOLFE63

Mwhahahaha!!

You might be a Leftist if:

1. You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women

2. You believe in freedom of speech except for anyone that dares to disagrees with you so you shout them down and censor what they have to say on Facebook, Twitter, etc.

3. You believe that businesses create oppression, and governments cre ...[text shortened]... l with a free market cuz we all know just how free we would all be without money and pot to piss in.

I remember a day when jokes were funny for everyone as a commentary on the human condition, instead of nasty, partisan whining.

@suzianne said
I remember a day when jokes were funny for everyone as a commentary on the human condition, instead of nasty, partisan whining.