Jokes

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.

I had a fabulous seafood diner last night but had to stop when I pulled a mussell.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

R.Reagan

@the-gravedigger said
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

R.Reagan

What is a Jehovah's Witness favorite band ?
The Doors

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
“Kris, Kris, can you hear me?”
“Is that you, Frank?”
“Yes, I've come back like we agreed.”
“That's wonderful! What's it like?”
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course"
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of
more times..
Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the
rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again"
“Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?”
“No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona .”

Golfer to caddie: “Why do you keep looking at your watch? I find it very distracting.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, sir – it’s a compass.”

Joe, laying on doctor's table:
"Will I be ok, doctor?"
Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
Joe: "I don't do that Astrology stuff."
Doctor: "Me neither. My thermostat just broke!"

So what exactly what kind of small talk does one have with a proctologist?

For example, as the doctor is doing the examination do you ask, "So tell me doc, ever do time?"

Sniper being interviewed:

Reporter: “What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?”

Sniper: “recoil”.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger .
Except for bears . Bears will kill you .

A married couple go to the cinema and order popcorn.

Counter attendant: sweet or salty popcorn?

Husband (winking): Just like my wife.

Counter attendant: Sorry, we don't have ugly.

What do you get when you combine Youtube, Twitter and Facebook...
YouTwitFace...

M . A . G . A . = My Administration Got Arrested

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, “How did that toast get into the cage?"

"It was bread in captivity,” she replied.