OK, lesson#2. We got learnin takin place at a feverish pitch. We move on to Parenthood 110. Today we gonna talk about the beginnin. RB, sit down and shut up as this ain't about creationism. This is about where it all begins. It's about gettin what we need when we need it. What am I talkin' bout? Dats right, breastfeeding. A lot of womens get all liberated and wanna contaminate dat baby wit all kinds of powder and water. God knew what was right. OK, RB, it was OK to say "amen."
We all know now that a breast fed baby is a smarter baby. We all know dat a breast fed baby is a happier baby. Take me for example. Oh you say "Oh look at his ratin. He be dumb." Well, I ain't dumb, but I'm dumma than I should have been. Know why? I bit ma momma's booby and made her cry and she said she had to give it up. Lady's don't give it up. We...uh...mankinds needs it.
Whats you need to do , ladies is get you a little olive oil to kind of make it a little slippery like. May I at this time recommend some high grade olive oil from one of our own on the site. Go to www.sciabica.com and order some premium stuff from Nick. Tell him I sent ya. Anyway, as I was sayin', this breast feedin is a beautiful thang. Let it hang, ladies. It's all natural in a beautiful way. You makin the baby healthier. Yes, I hear an "amen" from my people from PETA. Less ear infections. Baby stays healthier, baby stays happier, it all follows. Ladies what goes in yo mouth comes out to the baby. Babies love garlic. Garlic and olive oil, nice, very nice. But watch out wit thangs like brocolli and cabbage. You get a baby pootin up a storm and cryin' all the time.
OK, I know all you wonderin' "Professa K, what's dis got to do wit parenting 110? See, it's all about attachment. Baby don't have good attachment at this stage he may be on his way to prison or becomin a fundamentalist. What do you prefer? Some hard old dried up plastic nipple made by a machine or say like maybe Pamela Anderson, smooth like, a little olive oil, know what I'm sayin'?
OK< I promised you all who done ya homework a website, so here it is: www.fda.gov/fdac/features/895_brstfeed.html. Oh, do I hear cryin in the back of tha class. What did you expect, RB? Pamela Anderson? Boy , I'm gonna put you in detention. Dis here is about learnin.
Originally posted by CribsI can answer that by sharin a story, a true story. Know this lady who to her credit breast fed her little boy for a long time. What's a long time you ask? Well one day she was preparin herself to feed him and he said "I don't want that one. I want the big one." Who could blame the little boy. He is, after all, a boy. Well my thinkin is when you can construct a five word sentence, it may be time to let him go open the refrigerator. Ya dig?
Yo, I'm feelin' this lesson, fo' sho'! How you think a brotha
like me stay so young at heart?
Question, Professa...Should a baby sip from tha nip until he old
enough to hold his own bottle of Thunderbird?
Dr. Cribs
But to take yo question to a deeper level, it is part of good parentin to help the child reinterpret the breast. There is something in Scripture about movin from milk to solid food, but I'll have to get wit this young religious prodigy in my class and axe him. May help get him out of detention, ya dig?
In tha Ivory Tower class, questions is a sign of interest and smarts. What questions may I entertain about breastfeeding and healthy object-relations attachment springin forth from this very beautiful thang? Let me open it up. How many of you think you was breast-fed and why or why not? Be honest as it's all 'bout learnin.
Yo, I heard that. I'm afraid that compulsive chess playin may be a sign of bein bottle fed. They lack that primary attachment so necessary to human relationships that only the shallowness of distant and nonexistent relationships can fulfill their emptiness. You miss the breast, the miss the rest. Ya dig?
Originally posted by royalchickenI rest ma case. See what a genius this boy turned out to be even if it only be "fo the most part." OK, listen up. Got a new class goin on lata today all bout "what to name a baby." Don't get too excited thinkin' this gonna be an easy class. Some of ya gonna leave cryin understandin for once in ya life why ya so screwed up. So bring ya tissues. Ya dig?
I was, for the most part, breastfed.
How shall I say this? As class begins today I regret to inform you I got a stack of "F's" to give out due to lack of interest. Maybe you do better with this lesson.
Today, we move on to a very important part of parenting that much of life will ride upon. RB, what did God ask Adam to do as one of his first task? Dat's right! To name animals and thangs. When you name something you do two thangs. You begin a relationship with it and you supply it wit an identity, both of which is necessary for a meaningful life. You mess it up here, and just like with breastfeedin, you on yo way to prison.
Oh, do I hear a comment that this ain't impotent. Well, when's the last time you heard a baby being named Adolfand Judas?OK, then shut up and listen.
OK, first thing you gotta know is give that baby a decent name. That sounds basic, but it's true. There are a lotta bad names goin round and I'm gonna give you some examples. If you one of dem,go to court and get it changed. Ya dig?
First up. Bree. Bree is a cheese. You don't wanna have someone say to yo kid, "Hey Gorgonzolla, you wanna play?" Or "Hey, Cheddar, let's do homework." Naw, don't go namin' ya kid after a cheese.
Next up. A name is not a geography lesson. But we got all these young kids growin up thinkin thays a state. We got Dakota. We got Montana. You gonna name ya kid Delaware? How bout MIssissippi? You say, "hey K-dawg, what's the big deal?" OK, ever heard of a boy named River Phoenix? Yea, he dead, and it all started with his name. Ya dig?
Some names make people real real angry and they don't know it. Let's' look at tha name "Orenthal". Who da hell name a baby Orenthal? OJ Simpson's momma dat's who. Had to go around thinkin he was orange juice his whole life and got so mad he finally cut off his wife's head....almost.
Some names be controllin ya destiny and ya don't even know it. Let's look at the name of "Oprah." A fine lady to be sure, but that poor girl been strugglin her whole life wit her weight because her name rhymes with "ocra." It's all unconscious and she don't even know it, but the Professa K is here to set ya straight.
And another thang. Don't go namin ya baby after ya. See dat was a problem dat cost me thousands of dollars going ta therapy just trying to dig out from my daddy, see? I didn't even know who I was he be so invested in me bein just like him. Dat aint right. Oh , you think I'm crazy? I gots two words to say to ya. George Bush. Ya dig?
While I'm layin down truth, let me send a message to ma brothaz out der. You take on a name like "L'l Bow Wow" just remember you may end up 80 years old in a nursin home and they may still call ya that. Is dat cool? James Brown didn't need no help did he? Well, maybe he does now, but dat's a different story.
So, class, what have we learned today in Parenthood 130? Yes, RB? Don't name ya kids any dumb ass names? Boy, you is comin' along. Come to da head of da class!
I will now entertain any questions.
Originally posted by kirksey957Is there a particular risk associated with naming your
How shall I say this? As class begins today I regret to inform you I got a stack of "F's" to give out due to lack of interest. Maybe you do better with this lesson.
Today, we move on to a very important part of parenting that much of life will ride upon. RB, what did God ask Adam to do as one of his first task? Dat's right! To name animals and ...[text shortened]... Boy, you is comin' along. Come to da head of da class!
I will now entertain any questions.
son something like Terry, Pat, or Leslie?
Originally posted by CribsI don't know tha answer to that one as there is probably no definitive answer. Terry. Could be an ole bald headed quarterback. Pat. Could be like Pat Sayjak and hang out with Vanna White. Ya dig. Maybe be like a great novelist like Pat Conroy. Leslie. I'd go by Les. Know what I mean?
Is there a particular risk associated with naming your
son something like Terry, Pat, or Leslie?
Originally posted by kirksey957Yo, I wuz thinkin' mo' along tha lines of tha principle of givin'
I don't know tha answer to that one as there is probably no definitive answer. Terry. Could be an ole bald headed quarterback. Pat. Could be like Pat Sayjak and hang out with Vanna White. Ya dig. Maybe be like a great novelist like Pat Conroy. Leslie. I'd go by Les. Know what I mean?
an identity, cuz them names be fo' both brothaz and sistaz, ya feel?
Ain't a lil' boy gonna have a hard time wit identity if tha
lil' girl next to him in his kindergarten class got tha same name?
Originally posted by CribsYes, exactly , and truth be told that is often the impetus to a modification like changin Leslie to Les. Or maybe Pat going by Patrick. What I did, and I don't know when this happened, is I shortened my middle name and went by that to differentiate myself from my daddy who went by my first name.
Yo, I wuz thinkin' mo' along tha lines of tha principle of givin'
an identity, cuz them names be fo' both brothaz and sistaz, ya feel?
Ain't a lil' boy gonna have a hard time wit identity if tha
lil' girl next to him in his kindergarten class got tha same name?
OK, being as I'm workin on tenure, I am showin President Cribs that I have a lesson plan and am prepared to take it to the next level with this course on parenting. We ain't gettin much participation which I partly attribute to touchin some raw nerves. Everybody knows deep down inside that if you end up playin on this site like we do days a reason. And dat reason be we messed up on some level. We became smart and all syllogistic logic smart to deal with our pain.
OK< we gonna take a break and a little breatha. Our next class I give ya a hint. What do Michael Jackson, Stever Irvin ( aka The Crocidile Hunter), Bing Crosby, and Woody Allen have in common?