Getting Weighed
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
A priest comes out of a house he was visiting to see a boy sitting on the curb with a jar of clear liquid . He said , "What do you have there in the jar , my son ?"
"The most powerful liquid on earth , Father ." The boy replies .
"Well I hate to disagree with you my son , but it's not ." Says the priest . Pulling out a vial of holy water he tells the boy , "This is the most powerful liquid on earth . I rubbed some of this on Mrs. McCarthy's tummy and she passed a healthy baby boy ."
The boy says , "Oh yeah? Well this is turpentine , and I rubbed some on Mrs. McCarty's cat's ass and he passed a BMW !"
An old couple was poor and desperate for money . The old man decides after much debate that she could make money the old fashioned way by selling her favors on the street . They find a likely street corner at dusk and sets her out with her best clothes for the night .
"I'll be back in the morning to pick you up ." He says .
"Wait a minute , what do I charge ?" She asks .
"Hummm , I'm not sure . Just negotiate , and get whatever you can ."
At dawn he drives up to the corner to pick her up . She's an absolute mess . Her makeup is smeared all over her face , she's missing a shoe , and her clothing is torn .
"How much did you bring in ?" He asks .
" Thirty dollars and twenty five cents ." She replies , exhausted .
" Thirty dollars and TWENTY FIVE CENTS ? Who gave you twenty five cents ?"
She replies , "All of them !"
I have posted this a year ago (err, well... almost 🙂 ), in this thread, but... omg!
Yup, I'm repeating myself 🙂
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And so, with this last joke in 2004, I wish you all a very nice New Year's Eve, and all the best for 2005.
All I want to say is, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" but this is what Legal said...
From me ("the wishor" ) to you ("the wishee" ) please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:
* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "The Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.
This greeting is made under *my country* Law.
Government of My Country / Gobierno de Mi País.
Oh, what the heck. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
A paper bag isn't feeling too well, so he goes to the doctors to get some test done. After the tests the doctors says " I don't know how to break this to you but I'm afraid you've got aids". Well the paper bag is extremely upset and asks "but how can this have happen, I'm still a virgin". The doctor replies " Your mother was a carrier"
(waiting for the groans)
Originally posted by LittleBearReminds me of the one about the 4 types of orgasm.
Atheist having an orgasm, 'Oh, random! Oh, chance!'
😛
The Positive "Oh Yes, Oh Yes"
The Negative " Oh No, Oh No"
The Spiritual " Oh God, Oh God"
The False "Oh Littlebear, Oh Littlebear"
The old uns are the gold uns...
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse? Warren.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man with a little spade in his head? Douglas.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
What do you call a man with a hotel on his head? Norman Tebbit.
What's Norman Tebbit's favourite vegetable? His wife.
Originally posted by Jay Peatea
Reminds me of the one about the 4 types of orgasm.
The Positive "Oh Yes, Oh Yes"
The Negative " Oh No, Oh No"
The Spiritual " Oh God, Oh God"
The False "Oh Littlebear, Oh Littlebear"
Not offense taken, but it hurts...
Thw only one person that called me "little bear" or simply "bear" was my wife. Take a seconds to read my profile.
Anyway, it hurts :'(
Michael (aka LittleBear)
Originally posted by LittleBearApologies Mike, sorry to read about your wife (maybe it is time to change your nick eh ?) Here is one to put a smile back on your face.
Not offense taken, but it hurts...
Thw only one person that called me "little bear" or simply "bear" was my wife. Take a seconds to read my profile.
Anyway, it hurts :'(
Michael (aka LittleBear)
Three guys arrived late at a ski resort and when they got there they found that they would have to share a room until the morning, because nothing else was available.
When they got to their room they found only a large bed available. "It's just for one night," they thought, and went to bed.
The next morning the one on the far right of the bed said, "I had a really strange dream last night. I kept dreaming that I was w@nking like a furious donkey, but I couldn't feel my hands."
"That's really strange," said the guy on the far left, "because that's what I dreamt too. Exactly the same. Weird."
"You lads!" laughed the guy in the middle. "I just dreamt that I was skiing..."
Originally posted by Jay Peatea
Apologies Mike, sorry to read about your wife (maybe it is time to change your nick eh ?) Here is one to put a smile back on your face.
Three guys arrived late at a ski resort and when they got there they found that they would have to share a room until the morning, because nothing else was available.
When they got to their room they found only a l ...[text shortened]... rd."
"You lads!" laughed the guy in the middle. "I just dreamt that I was skiing..."
Don't worry Jay, you did not have to know it.
Thanks for the smile! 🙂
Michael
