Originally posted by padfootThree little girls manage to get into their father's gun cabinet ans swallow some of his rifle bullets. Their mother takes them to the hospital where she is told that the bullets will work their way out of the children's systems. However she is warned that it could take several years.
why did the turkey cross the road?
it was the chickens day off.
this is lowest sort of humour, but the thread was getting too low...
10 years later, sure enough, one of the girls says " Mummy, i've done a very weird thing! i passed a bullet in the toilet". The woman comforts her daughter and explains how it happened.
Two weeks later, another daughter comes up to her teafully and says, " Mummy, I've done a very bad thing"! The mother replies, " let me guess. You passed a bullet in the toilet, right?" Again the mother comforts the daughter and explains what happened.
A month later the mother's third daughter comes up and says "Mummy, I've done a very bad thing"! "I know," says the mother." You passed a bullet into the toilet". "No," said the girl. " I just farted and shot the cat"
😀
fred
****WARNING...not one for the kids!*****
A sailor returns to port after months at sea and heads to the nearest whorehouse. The madam says she has only one girl available, and she’ll cost £1,000. Because he’s desperate, the sailor agrees and heads up to the room. When the hooker opens the door, she finds the sailor masturbating furiously.
“What the hell are you doing?” the hooker screams.
“For £1,000, you don’t think I’m going to let you have the easy one, do you?” the sailor replies.
Clearly embarrassed, a man goes to his doctor and says that he has a sexual problem. "I just can’t get it up for my wife anymore," he says. "Don’t worry, Mr. Williams," says the kindly doctor. "Bring your good lady in tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day the worried man returns with his wife. "Ah, Mrs. Williams, would you mind removing your clothes for me?" asks the doc. "Good. Now could you turn all the way around for me? Excellent. Now lie down. And if you could just jump up and down a bit. Ahh—thank you. You can put your clothes back on now."
Taking the husband aside, the medic
pats him on the back and tells him he has nothing to worry about. "You’re fine," he says. "She didn’t give me an erection either."
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on," said the first surgeon. "You open them up and everything inside is numbered." "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on," said the second. "You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." "I like to operate on electricians," said the third. "You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." "I like to operate on lawyers," said the fourth. "They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable." "I like engineers," said the fifth. "They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
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(in the noticeable way that I tend to "cover my back" on all my posts, please be advised that this in no way reflects my own opinion on the above professions. Particulary the one about lawyers.......)
Dogs in puddles
A little girl is walking along in the park when she comes across 3 little dogs sitting there she bends down to stroke the first dog and says "How are you today little doggy?"
To her utmost surprise the dog answers "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the second dog and says "How are you today little doggy"
The dog answers "I am very happy and contented, and have been going in and out of puddles all day"
The girl then turns to the third dog and say "Little doggy you don't look as happy and contented as the other two, why would this be"
At this the third dog answers "because my name is Puddles"
An architect , a doctor , and a lawyer are all out for an afternoon bird hunt with their prized dogs and begin bragging about their animals to each other .
The architect says "I'll settle this right now ." He commands his dog ,"Spot , go do it boy !" Spot runs into the brush and comes back with a mouthful of sticks . After a flurry of action , low and behold he has constructed a scale model of the Golden Gate Bridge , perfect in every detail . "Good boy , Spot ! Here's a dog buscuit ." The architect pats the dog and gives him his reward .
"That's nothing ." Says the doctor. "Rex , go gettem like I showed you !"He commands his dog . Rex runs to the truck and retrieves the doctors black bag . He runs in the bushes and comes back with a mortally wounded duck they shot a few minutes before . Opening the bag , Rex gets out dressings for the wound , treats the duck's wounds , gives him cpr , and the duck comes to and miraculously , flies off . "Good boy , Rex !"says the doctor proudly , "Here's a dog biscuit for you ." And rewards his dog with the treat .
"That's nothing", says the lawyer ."Do it like I taught you , Fido !" he commands his dog . Fido promptly sodomizes Rex and Spot , and takes their buscuits .
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
An nice looking professionaly dressed woman gets onto the bus for her morning comute . The bus is very crowded and the only seat left is next to a handsome man about the same age . She nervously sits by him . He's a real hunk , and she's single and lonely . She's trying to think of something to say to break the ice but is too nervous to think of anything . She bends over to place her things on the floor as the bus hits a large bump and she rips one off . It's extremely loud , and very smelly . Trying to regain her composure , she thinks "Well it's natural , it happens to everybody . I'll just pretend nothing happened and carry on . If he's mature and polite he will too ."
So she says as naturally as possible , " Are you getting off at the next stop ?"
He replies "No . But I'll duck out quickly and get you a hand full of leaves if you need me too ."
1000 Valentines
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a very well-dressed, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes. Each envelope has hearts all over it. The man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentines cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
🙂