Originally posted by LittleBearLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(c) L.Moroney. With Apologies to Queen, LEd Zepplin, UB40 etc, etc....
** MB = Marsha BeckMeyer
MA = Michael Auborn
POV Deep Space..
[Cast]
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a warp drive
An escape from reality?
POV
[Fans....to Paramount Producer (prodding MB and MA with an electric prod
with the word
"cop ...[text shortened]... re close to you!
Have we permission to dock?
To sort out our minds?
[TO BE CONTINUED]
that had me in hysterics for ages!
fred
Title: 40 Things Never Said By Hillbillys
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
😛
Title: Alabama Driver's License Exam
ALABAMA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
=====================================
Last name: _____________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: _______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M _____F _____Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
[_] Grand Wizard/Dragon for the ensuing year.
Spouse's Name: ___________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: ___________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: ___________________________
*Lover's Name: ___________________________
**2nd Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (check all that apply)
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4
Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup:
_____________ 194__
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No If no, please explain: ________
________________________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
___ Number of times you've been on Jerry Springer
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? __
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] Not Applicable
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Copenhagen
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 2 miles
[_] 3 miles
[_] don't know
D
😉
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever.
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally
been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly
adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her
little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that
seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The
English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant!... Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road... And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window".
Some people need to be prevented from being allowed out in public.
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
~~~
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
~~~
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
~~~
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the
steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
~~~
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff
please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell
off".
~~~
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
~~~
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".
~~~
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
~~~
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".
~~~
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true
story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a
recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the
Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
Word Perfect organisation for "Termination without Cause".
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything
I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer"
A old man of 95 years old decided he would emigrate from Britian and go live abroad. His family were shocked at the news, and asked him why.
He said: "Britian is getting too soft. When I was a wee lad of 5, homosexuals were given the death penalty. When I was in my twenties, they changed the law to life imprisonment. Later, that too was changed - to a mere fine. Later, the law was scrapped altogether, and NOW, NOW I hear they can marry!"
"So," said his family, " of what consequence is that?"
To which the old dodger replied, "Well, I'm leaving now, before they make it compulsary!!"