One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies
"27 and you still believe in goblins???"
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
this one might have been posted earlier, but I can't be bothered to check...
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown.” The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.” The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. “For a minute there, I thought you said ‘Turn Around’.”
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
An ageing couple, Doris and Fred, advertise for a lodger.
A young model soon applies for the room, but tells Doris that there's one problem, she likes to take a hot bath every night and the bathroom hasn't got one.
"Don't worry," says Doris. "There's a tin bath in the yard. We'll bring it in, in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"But what about your husband?"
"He plays darts every night so he'll be out." replies Doris.
Satisfied the girl moves in straight away. That night Fred goes to play darts and the model takes her bath. As she does, Doris is amazed to see she has no pubic hair; the model explains that she has to shave there for swimwear modelling.
That night Doris relates to Fred, but he doesn't believe her. They decide that the next night Doris will leave the curtains slightly open, so Fred can see the bald patch for himself. The next night as the model strips, Doris stands behind her, looks towards the curtains and points towards the models naked patch, then she lifts up the skirt and shows her own hairy mass.
That night Doris and Fred discuss the incident in bed. "See? I told you so." she says.
"I've never seen anything like it!" says Fred "But why did you have to show me your hairy twat as well?"
"Just to compare. Anyway you've seen my privates millions of times anyway."
"Yes I have" said Fred. "But the rest of the frikken darts team hasn't."
Originally posted by Jay PeateaI don't get it 😳
An ageing couple, Doris and Fred, advertise for a lodger.
A young model soon applies for the room, but tells Doris that there's one problem, she likes to take a hot bath every night and the bathroom hasn't got one.
"Don't worry," says Doris. "There's a tin bath in the yard. We'll bring it in, in front of the fire and fill it with hot water." ...[text shortened]... es anyway."
"Yes I have" said Fred. "But the rest of the frikken darts team hasn't."
What did I miss?