A man dies , and goes to hell . He awakes facing Lucifer . He's frightened and recoils . The devil says , "Hey man , take it easy . I got a bad rap on earth , and this place isn't as horrible as you think . A lot of people really like it down here ."
The man says , " Really ? Hell isn't bad ? What do you mean ?"
The devil says , "Well for example - do you like gambling ?"
The man says , "Yeah , I love it ."
The devil says , "Well , every monday is free casino night . You get all the free chips you want , and our casinos make Las Vegas look like Disney Land . They're better than anything on earth ."
The man says , "Really ? That's great . Tell me more ."
The devil says , " Do you like to drink ? "
The man , "Love to !"
Devil , "Well every tuesday , every bar and club is free . All the liquor you can drink on the house . And we don't mean the cheap stuff ."
The man , "Wow , that's great ! Tell me more !"
The devil says , "Are you a homosexual ?"
The man , "No , I'm straight ."
The devil pauses a minute , and says , " Oh crap , you're really going to hate wednesdays ."
Bug-B-Gone
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover,"into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovers the man in the closet.
Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."
"What are you doing in there?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little blighters!"
🙄
Fun with Doctors
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
😀
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex”.
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night, the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later, the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
😲
There was a chess player who was in the habit of getting home quite
late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick
on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His
wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came
home so late.
His story:
"Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to
the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking
young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept
happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late
it was, so I rushed home."
She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE ON RHP AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
A jumbo jet is coming into Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.
"This is Captain Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
However, he forgets to switch off the intercom and now the entire cabin can hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the massive chest. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and then I'm gonna make love with her all night."
Everyone in the plane is now trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta take a dump first!"
Dear Abbey,
I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing.
I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines, and I have a cousin who
works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and
my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his
patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large
family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroine habit,are my uncle
(master pick pocket Benny "The Fingers" ) and my aunt and kid sisters, who
are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten
engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world.She is just sweet
sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform
school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a
fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to
bringing our kids into the family business. But-I am worried that my family
will not make a good impression on hers, once she has had a chance to meet
them. In your opinion Abby: Should I-or shouldn't I-let her know about my
cousin who works for Microsoft?
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.