A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive barmitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 Am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elomos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.
She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young nurse comes in to sponge his hands and feet.
Nurse", he mumbles groggily from behind the oxygen mask, "Are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Please tell me, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his privates and
jiggles them around a bit, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing
wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice"
but listen very, very closely - "Are... my... Test... results... back"?
Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland
around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of it own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France of Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick
What's the difference between M. Jackson and a garbage bag ?
One's pale , plastic , thin , white , and very dangerous for kids to play with . The other you put trash into .
Latoya to Micheal Jackson- "You know what the best thing about sleeping with twentyfive year old's is ?"
Micheal - "Yeah , there's twenty of them !"
Originally posted by Moldy Crowbadump bah!!!! see you should consider stand up. 😀
What's the difference between M. Jackson and a garbage bag ?
One's pale , plastic , thin , white , and very dangerous for kids to play with . The other you put trash into .
Latoya to Micheal Jackson- "You know what the best thing about sleeping with twentyfive year old's is ?"
Micheal - "Yeah , there's twenty of them !"
Originally posted by bambee
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex”.
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. ...[text shortened]... if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
😲
cough cough...
but err... well, you know...
Anyway, it's funny, bambee 🙂
Michael
Three men are outside the priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish. One admits to beating his wife up; the second admits to gambling his wages away and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman from the parish.
The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin but refuses to name who he had committed adultery with. The priest asks him, "Was it Mrs. Richards?" "No father," came the reply "and I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Mrs. Brown?" "No father."
The priest then told the man that he was going to get one more chance to confess properly and if not he would be excommunicated for 2 weeks. "Was it Mrs. Maclanahan?" asked the priest. "No father." "That's it," said the priest. "You're excommunicated for two weeks."
The man left the cubicle with a big smile on his face.
"How did it go?" asked the other two. "Great," he said. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!"
😀
Originally posted by LittleBearWhy did the chicken cross the road.
Three men are outside the priest's confessional area talking about their sins while waiting for the priest to finish. One admits to beating his wife up; the second admits to gambling his wages away and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman from the parish.
The adulterer goes into the box and admits to his sin but refuses to name who ...[text shortened]... ked the other two. "Great," he said. "I got two weeks off and three good leads!"
😀
To see his flatmate.
