Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."
So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
Paddy (I am Irish, I can tell this joke 😛) returns early from work and hears a strange panting and moaning sound coming from the bedroom. He runs up the stairs, and his wife is naked in the bed, sweating and breathing heavily:
"uhh err Paddy, I am having a heart attack!!"
Paddy replies, "Jaysais, I'll phone an ambulance." As he is dialling the number one of his kids is tugging on his trouser leg.
"Why is Uncle John in mummy's closet?"
Paddy runs up the stairs furiously, violently rips open the door, only to see his brother John crouched, naked, in the closet.
"For gawd sake John! I mean, Mary is having a flippin' heart attack and all you can do is scare the kids!"
*apologies*😳
A psychoanalyst is conducting a therapy session with an intriguing patient who has developed a fetish for eggs.
"What is it about eggs?" he asks.
The patient's eyes perk up.
"It's everything" he says, "it's the contour of their shell, their diverse colour. The way they feel, the way the smell. They are elegant, beautiful, very regal and demur ..."
The Doctor interrupts him:
"My god man you don't really believe that do you?"
"Of course not" replies the patient, "I just say that to get them into bed!!"
Excellent thread everybody, cheered me up.
After getting a job at the IRS, a young hotshot gets his first assignment, auditing an aging rabbi.
Arriving at the synagogue, he decides to have a little fun. "Rabbi," he says, "what do you do with your candle drippings?"
"Well," the elderly rabbi replies in surprise, "we send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free candle."
"I see," the taxman says. "And what about the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi looks at him, again taken aback. "Well, we send them to the matzo-ball factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free jar of matzo balls."
Nodding, the auditor asks his final question. "So tell me," he asks, furrowing his brow, "what do you do with the foreskins from circumcisions?"
By now, the rabbi is fed up. "Well, we send them to the IRS," he answers slowly. "And every once in a while, they send us a little prick like you."
Secret to a Happy Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of
the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as
to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well,
it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to
the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone
too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband
quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther
when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly
said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when
the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly
removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I
started to protest over his treatment of the mule when
he looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"
sorry guys but because I work in an airport the jokes are a plenty ...here's the first.....
Flight Attendant
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at
the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed
to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was
not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the
student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came
rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated
sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students
filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued
writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who
was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put
his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm
in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams,
stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car", he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis!"
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the
next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted
by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the
way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident!
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
BULLS
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of
breeding bulls .they went up to the first pen and there was a sign that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last
year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said
"This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You
could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This
bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could
REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the
same cow."
The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and he
should make a full recovery.