Originally posted by angie88
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at ...[text shortened]... nally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
That is actually a variation of another much longer joke:
A man married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" cried the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was --- God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband. "But, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Originally posted by Jay PeateaOr - "The tip's inside."
lol
Did you hear about the leper and prostitute ?
He said "you can keep the tip"
Did you hear about the leper that runs into the doctor's office and says , "Doc , my d1c fell off ! Help me !"
The doctor asks , "Did you save it ? Maybe I can reattach it ."
The leper fishes around in his coat pocket , pulls something dry and shriveled out , and handing it to the doctor says , "Yeah , here it is ."
Upon examining it , the doctor says , "This isn't a penis , it's a cigar butt ."
The leper exclaimes , "Oh my god , I smoked my c*ck !"
Prince Charles was dwiving his Wange Wover in the gwounds of Winsor Castle when he wan over his mum's favourite corghi doggie.
"Oh no what shall I do" cries Chas.
He starts digging with his hands at the road side. "I'll bury him before Mummy sees and gets crosser with me than ever." Just hius hands clunk against something metallic... a lamp...just like alladin had.
Chas rubs it hard against his sleeve and poooof!!! out pops a genie from the lamp.
"Your a royal...I don't like them.. "You can only have one wish!" says the genie, who was clad in purple and green satin.
"Oh goodie can you revive this little doggie." "It's my Mothers favourite and she be so cross with me for killing it."
"Nope!" was all the genie said.. I very perturbed Prince begged...Oh please you just have to". "It's munted you idiot I can't revive dog burger"
Charles bowed his head for a moment then picked it up in glee as he pulled out his wallet. Inside the wallet were two photos which he showed proudly to the genie.
"This was my first wife." "She was stunningly beautiful... she died in a cwash a while back." "This is my new wife Cammie" "She's a great lover in the dark" Can you make her as beautiful as my first wife?"
Without hesitation the genie retorted "Let me have another look at that bloody dog"...
Here's one for you. My mate told me it a while ago and I think it's brilliant!!!
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
A single tin of beans, a single sliced pan, a single apple, a single packet of crisps, etc....
When she arrives at the checkouts the guy at the till starts ringing through the items. He looks at each item as it passes and notices a single bottle of wine, a single packet of biscuits, etc...
As the girl looks at him he smiles and says to her
"Single, eh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies
"How did you guess?"
He looks her up and down and then into her eyes and gently says
"Because you're a minger"
Originally posted by KingThroneI posted it a while back, only with the guy saying "Cuz your F***ing ugly!"
Here's one for you. My mate told me it a while ago and I think it's brilliant!!!
A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
A single tin of beans, a single sliced pan, a single apple, a single packet of crisps, etc....
When she arrives at the checkouts the guy at the till starts ringing through the items. He looks at each ...[text shortened]... He looks her up and down and then into her eyes and gently says
"Because you're a minger"
...obviously, it was deleted 😞
The CIA , FBI and LAPD were in a huge arguement about which was the best law enforcement agency . Bush decided to put them to the test to find out . He released 3 rabbits into 3 different forests , and assigned each agency a forest and told them to find their respective rabbit .
The CIA spent millions for satellites , animal informants , and agents in elaborate tree disguises . After weeks they found nothing , and concluded that rabbits don't exist .
The FBI cordoned off the woods , and after a week of attempting to negotiate through megaphones burned down the woods killing everything in it . They concluded anything living in there was aiding and abetting the rabbit , and therefore had it comming to them as did the rabbit .
The LAPD went in to their woods after 2 hours , and one hour after that came out with a badly beaten bear who was saying "I'm a rabbit ! I'm a rabbit !"
