Hey guys!
Thank you all for this entertaining thread. You often made me 😀 during the last weeks, especially LittleBear. Unfortunately I'm through with reading :'(
And it's on page 6! So I'll get it back to the top and hope for more.
Here's my (little) share:
A father is showing off with his two-year-old son at work. "Doesn't he look a lot like me?" One replies "Don't worry. As time passes, this might change..." 😛
One apon a time a Cowboy came along a burning house on his horse.
He stopped, cause´ he saw a crying girl infront of the house.
What happend? He asked. Girl: My brother died today mornin´ in a car accident. And and sniff. My parents are in the burning house. sniff.
Well todays a bad day. Said the Cowboy and pulled down his zip...
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the old gal to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go back down there and get her."
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."
ONE GOOD KNIGHT
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to
accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...
He had never run across such a repugnant creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring
monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and ourteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is he moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH
An inter-office softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.
The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2004 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, winning only one game."
Michanum Beagan walks in a bar, and to his amazment just down the end
talking to the bar-tender is no one but Adolf Hitler himself. Well Beagan
thought to himself , this is my chance to find out what makes this guy
tick. So he goes up to him and says, Yo Hitler, What are you doing here,
Hitler looks over at michanum then to the bartender then back at michanum
and says "I came back to kill 100,000 Jews and Twelve clowns!" Michanum
just stared at adolf in amazement and got very red in the face and angry
and said "Why are you going to kill twelve Clowns?" Hitler just started
laughing and said to the bartender
"See, I told you nobody cares about the Jews anyway."
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert when their camel
keeled over dead. They prayed a lot, but after several days they gave up
hope of being rescued.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to
die, and there's always been one thing I've been curious about--what a
woman looks like naked. Would you take off your clothes?"
The nun thought about it for several seconds and then agreed to take
off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think
about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off
your clothes, too?"
With a little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, Sister, is a gift from God. If
I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well, for Lord's sake, Father, stick it in the damn camel and let's
get out of here!"
Camel Solution For Urges
The new French Foreign Legion captain was assigned to a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the captain stands on it, pulls down his pants and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."
A US Marine is stationed in a remote post in Iraq where nothing is going on . The people there love the US , and there are no insurgents . He sits idle for months with nothing to do . He begins to long for the company of women and his sexual frustration is mounting . He asks the local tribal elder if there are any women of loose morals about he can contact . The elder replies, "It is fobidden by Allah to have sex outside of marrage . However , Allah permits sex with goats . If you have urges , then screw goats !"
Fearing this to be a set up for an embarrassing joke at his expense , and knowing he's got to uphold the image of his country , he says , "You must be joking . Screwing goats !?"
The elder says , "No ! No joke . All young men screw goats before marrage . No one will laugh because you screw goat .All men have urges , this Allah understands ."
He thinks about it , and relents , "OK , fine . but this better not be a cruel joke or I'll go postal on all of you !" He proceeds to grab a goat , pull down his pants , and starts doing the dirty deed , the whole time mumbling "I can't believe I'm doing this!"
He looks over at the elder and his cronnies , and they are all laughing hysterically at him .
He pulls out , zips up , and grabs his machine gun and storms towards them menacingly , "I told you what would happen to you if this whole story about screwing goats was a joke !"
The tribal elder says , "No No ! It's no joke ! Young men really do screw goats , it's true , I swear by Allah !"
"Then why are you laughing at me ?"
The elder replies , "Because you picked an ugly one !"