Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a billion dollars," replied the man.
Wham! One billion dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has two billion dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my billion," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo momma's so fat, The National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for the new world
Yo momma's so fat, when she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued..."
Yo momma's so fat when she sits on a dollar, blood rushes out off George Washington's nose!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma's so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!
Yo momma's so fat when she walks in front of the T.V. you miss out on 2 episodes!
Yo momma's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes!
Yo momma's so fat, people jog around her for exercise!
Yo momma's so fat her Highschool picture is taken on airfoto
Yo momma's so fat when she fell down and cut herself, gravy poured out
Yo momma's so fat, when she ran out into the road in front of me, I tried to swerve round, but ran out of petrol
Yo momma's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories
Yo momma's so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook
Yo momma's breath smells so bad people look forward to her farts
Yo momma's so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater
Yo momma's so hairy Bigfoot takes pictures of her
Yo momma's like a mobile phone; free after 7:30
Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach
Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded
Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread
Yo momma's so ugly, she entered the ugly contest and the judge said, "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma's so ugly she makes onions cry
Yo momma's so ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday
you gotta laugh at some of them surely?
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.
The boy started off
"Hi, my name's Chuck "..... and the farmer shot him.
After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to
use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man
should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You
don't know me, but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.
Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
eh...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ...
Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
An Australian businessman goes to Japan to negotiate a deal. On his
first night his obliging hosts take him to a high class brothel, where
he is given his choice of women. He retires to a room, he climbs aboard
and gives his prostitute a red-hot go, finishes up, and leaves.
On his way out, he asks the madam, "Excuse me, the girl was fantastic,
absolutely brilliant. But tell me one thing - on every downstroke, she'd
scrunch up her face and yell "WARAMAKAZI !, WARAMAKAZI !". It was
amazing.
Tell me, ma'am, what does it mean?" The madam seems embarrassed, but
manages to tell the man that the word means "very good". Happy, the man
goes to his hotel.
The next day his hosts take him golfing. On the second tee, his Japanese
host hits an amazing drive down the middle of the fairway which bounces
twice on the green and trickles into the hole for a perfect ace. The
Australian turns and yells "WARAMAKAZI ! WARAMAKAZI !"
His host turns to him and says," What do you mean, wrong Hole?"
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a
third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a
nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on
this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another
nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in
the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling
it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly
Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but
if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on
your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I
never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only
will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will
give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on
your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife
twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for
your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat
on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife
about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in,
but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment,
and a Yugo for your transportation.
Couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got
the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because
I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
Jesus was strolling through Heaven when he saw an old man sitting on a cloud, staring disconsolately into the distance. "Old man," said Jesus, "this is Heaven! Why are you so sad?"
The old man didn't bother to turn as he said, "I've been looking for my son and haven't been able to find him." Jesus said, "Tell me about it." "Well," said the old man, still gazing at the sunlit horizon, "on earth I was a carpenter, and one day my son went away. I never heard from him again, and I was hoping I'd find him here, in Heaven."
His heart pounding suddenly in his chest, Jesus bent over the old man and said, "Father?" The old man turned and cried, "Pinocchio?"
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition
going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a
storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally
kicking the crap out of each other.
The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The
fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm
with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan
wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of
a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the
Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her
crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells
her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs
because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so
she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third
doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know
that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"
The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you don't have crabs,... the bad news is that
your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with
President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled,
the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President
Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President
was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they
discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to
the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.
Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a
failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President
Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the
two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated,
the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten
Commandments."
Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole,
when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor
salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and
dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business
these days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales,
his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he
said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell
a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta
sell one tractor, and soon, or I'll lose that dealership forever."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think
you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this:
"I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessie. That old
cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I
sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes started
slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with
it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessie's
tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.
"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me
a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that didn't piss
me off! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessie's right hind leg
to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk
her again.
"Well by this time, Bessie's about livid, and she doesn't want any
part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I
wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another
piece of rope and tied Bessie's left leg to the side of the stall."
Just then John paused to take sip his beer.
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
"Well, did you finally get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can
convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY
a tractor from you!
A man saw a parrot one day with a sign that said free to good home, the man said I'll take him, to which the shop keeper replied, Sir this parrot has the foulest mouth you've ever heard. Still the man insisted and took the bird home. His soon to be wife and him became accustomed to the vulgarity coming from the bird's mouth and they were happy. Suddenly one day the man came in and his girlfriend said we've got to hide the bird, mother is coming over with the priest. They put the bird in the closet but the cussing just got louder and louder. They tried the bedroom but again the cussing could be heard throughout the house. Finally the man had the cage in hand when the door bell rang....looking around quickly he decided to put the bird in the deep freeze. Mother and the priest visited and finally after tea and a nice chat they left. It dawned on the man that the poor bird must be half frozen, so opening the freezer he took out the cage and said....what no smart ass remarks? The parrot replied no sir none at all. The man was stunned had they broken him of his nasty talk? The parrot looked at the man and said I do have a question though sir if I may? To this the man said certainly and the parrot said what did the turkey do??????