Fearful of AIDS & fed up with his gay lifestyle, a homosexual
went to a psychiatrist for treatment. The psychiatrist said
his problems were so deep rooted, it would require extensive
analysis & many months of treatment before he would be cured.
After almost two years of treatment the psychiatrist said,
"You've made remarkable progress. As a matter of fact it's my
opinion that you are now ready to take your rightful place as
a functioning member of normal society."
"Oh, doctor," cried the patient, "your good news has made me
so happy I could kiss you!"
"No, no," said the psychiatrist, "don't do that... in fact,
I really shouldn't be laying here on the couch with you."
A farmer hires a college student one summer to help
around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer
says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here
this summer, I am going to throw a party for you."
The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man!"
So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle
a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkin' going on."
The college guy says, "Hey, I can drink just as much
as anyone else so I should do just fine."
And the farmer adds, "There is also going to be a lot
of fightin' so I hope you are ready."
So the college guy responds, "I have been working hard
all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."
"One more thing," says the farmer. "Did I mention that
there will be lotsa sex?"
"Far out!" says the college guy. "I have been out here
all summer and I have been dying for some action. What
should I wear to this party?"
The farmer says, "nothin' fancy,...
it's just going to be me and you.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped
his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to
roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began
to apologize.
She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to
help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine
in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he
finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning
to massage him.
"Does that feel better?", she asked.
"Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really* great", he replied,
"But my thumb still hurts like hell!"
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning
house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy
brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "You're
the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette.
"You're not rescued yet either."
Apparently there was once a chief of an African village who had a
magnificent throne room in his thatched hut, in the center of which was a
large stone throne. It was his pride and joy. However one day
he met a very attractive lady who he could not help but marry. (As
you do).
In order to consummate his wedding he bought a very large
chief-size bed, but found he was unable to fit it in his hut as the throne
was in the way. He decided to store the throne in the attic
of his hut until his honeymoon was over.
On his wedding night the chief and his new wife were in bed consummating
the marriage with such gusto that the hut shook like something that shakes
quite a bit indeed. The attic collapsed and the chief and his wife were
flattened by the throne.....
- Which only goes to show that
"People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones"
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated
some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from
his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
after all,... this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her
friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was
alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of
West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were
getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the
children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that
since she had brought the children into this world, she should
retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The
judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment
of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and
said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a
candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
A man and a woman are driving in the car when they
see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop,
the woman gets out pick it up and bring it back into the car.
She says: "It looks cold what should I do?"
He says: "Put it between your legs."
She says: "What about the smell?"
He says: "Hold its nose."
Pretend you're on The Jerry Springer Show by sitting in your dentist's waiting room and punching the first person who enters the room.
OFFICE MANAGERS... Keep sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer of your desk. That way, every time a female employee needs one of the forms, you'll get a terrific view of her arse.
SKIERS... Don't wipe your bums for the duration of your holiday. In the event of an avalanche this will greatly increase the chances of being located by sniffer dogs.
The convicted rapist was brought up in front of the Folsom
Prison parole board for review. The board chairman read the
man's record, which had dozens of arrests for unnatural sex acts
with women from Sacramento to Anaheim. "Are we expected to
believe that this prison term has cured you of your perversions?"
"Oh, yes," said the prisoner. "Just ask the guard who's standing behind
me. I'll never touch another woman again, will I, darling?"
Why It's Great to Be a Guy
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow
Wedding plans take care of themselves
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night
Chocolate is just another snack
You can be president
You can wear a white shirt to a water park
Foreplay is optional
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut
The world is your urinal
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky
Same work... more pay
Wrinkles add character
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100
If you retain water, it's in a canteen
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
Porn movies are designed with you in mind
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time
The list could go on.................
Top 25 Things You'll Never Hear a Wife or Girlfriend Say:
1. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Have some more!
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my privates.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Let's go down to the mall so you can check out other women.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is out sunbathing again. Come see!
15. I know its a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed
17. Your mother is better than mine
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs
19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys; it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend over for a threesome?
21. Honeyyyy...not the mall again! C'mon, let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8?
23. Now stop getting up for the baby's night feedings! You need your sleep, ya big silly.
24. Honey, I swear if I don't get to blow you soon, I am just gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.
If It Really Were a Man's World...
All women would understand and appreciate any sport
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the record of an NFL team of your choice
The guy with the best sense of humor in the office would be appointed the CEO
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out a window and slide down directly into your car like Fred Flintstone
Lifeguards would remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1 !"
If you saw your shadow on Groundhog Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking
Oprah Winfrey would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history
It would be perfectly legal to steal any car, as long as you returned it the following morning with a full tank of gas
Faucets would run "Hot" "Cold" and "100 proof"
Nodding without looking away from the TV would be deemed a perfectly acceptable response to "I love you"
When your significant other really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd arrange to appear in a little box in the corner of the TV screen during a time-out
All refrigerators would be computer equipped to monitor beer supply; a low level would automatically generate a re-order delivery
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with could actually reduce your fine. For example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going ?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place"
Cop: "Nice one -- that's $10 off"
Combination birth control and Viagra would be in both "lite" and "regular" beer
All resumes submitted by females would require a centerfold-type photo
Nagging would be punishable by an enforced week of silence
Sexual harassment would be considered a compliment by all women
Women who appear in public without make-up would automatically be convicted of a felony
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to her butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time kid" would pretty much do it
All heretofore "kinky sex" would be declared lawful and normal
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for any tardiness
Mondays would become part of the weekend
Marriage licenses would expire annually
It'd be considered harmless guy fun to gather 30 or more friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby community
Garbage would take itself out
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years
St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same. However, it would be celebrated every month
"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops
New show: Ally McNaked
The victors in any athletic competition would get all of the loser's possessions
The only shows on opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from different camera angles
Every man would get two "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per month
Hot Pants, tube tops, thongs and mini-skirts would never go out of style
All telephones would automatically disconnect after 30 seconds of conversation
Long Jokes
The Baked Beans Story
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party