A small, white guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge, black dude standing next to him. The big, black dude looks down upon the small, white guy and says,
"Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch dick, bollocks the size of tennis balls, Turner Brown."
With that, the small white guy faints! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy, "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says,
"Excuse me, but what did you just say?".
The big black dude looks down and again says, "Seven foot tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch dick, bollocks the size of tennis balls, Turner Brown."
The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'turn around'".
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from
the class, and she discovered little Johnny with a cat up his
pants. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear
the mailman tell my mommy, "I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"
One day a lawyer was sitting in his office and a young lady ran
in. The lawyer asked the lady what was wrong. The lady replied,
"I want to file a sexual harassment claim against my boss." The
lawyer proceded to ask the lady what happened. "Everyday my boss
comes in and says my hair smells good." The lawyer looked
confused and said, "I can't do anything for that unless you can
bring me more eyewitnesses to the incident."
The next day the lady returns with two more women. The lawyer
listened while the three ladies said the same story as the day
before. "I'm sorry ladies, but I can't do anything about this
situation. Is there any more information you haven't told me?"
asked the lawyer. The three ladies looked at each other for a
second and then replied at the same time, "He is a midget."
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent.
"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money, and the message is relayed back that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my money is!"
"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back, "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.
A man returns home early from work and hears groaning noises coming from his wife. He thinks she must be having a dump and thinks nothing of it. It is only upon entering the bedroom that he realises that his wife is having sex with his best friend. His friend looks up and says, "I'm sorry Dave."
"Sorry are you," the enraged husband shouts, "then why don't you stop when I'm speaking to you?" Dave sees red, grabs his so-called best friend by the short and curlys, drags him downstairs, along the garden path and into the shed. He takes his friend's wedding tackle and places it in a vice, tightens the vice and snaps off the handle. Dave then heads for the kitchen and returns with a large serated knife.
His so-called friend pleads, "Oh my god Dave! You're not going to cut me willy off!" Dave replies, "No. You are, I'm gonna set fire to the shed."
(what a great idea!!! remember that 1)
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman -clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.".
A young man and his wife go to the hospital to give birth to their new child. On arrival, the midwife prepares the room and ensures that the two are comfortable with the situation. The young man says that this is the greatest moment of his life and he wants to play a part in his new child's life.
His wife gives birth shortly after and the young man is overjoyed to have a beautiful baby boy. His wife is tired and the midwife takes the baby from her and says she will bathe him. The young man pipes up and says, "No, I want to play a part in his life as of now, let me bathe him."
"Well, alright," replies the midwife, "come with me and I will show you where all the equipment is."
As the new father is preparing the bath the midwife says that she will pop out, get a cup of tea and return in two minutes. Baby and father are happy to be left alone.
On return however, the midwife sees the father with his shirt sleeve folded up and his index and middle finger in the baby's nose, forming neat figures of eight in the bath.
"What on earth are you doing!" screamed the shocked midwife, to which the father replied, "I'm not putting my hand in that water, you ought to feel how hot it is!"
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 metres into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"
A man is feeling very ill, so he goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty Sexually Transmitted Disease!"
"Oh my God, doctor! What are you going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pitta bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no, but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
Jack and Dan work together and are good friends while at work.
Outside of work they live different lives. One day, Jack and Dan
are in the breakroom relaxing and drinking coffee when Jack asks
Dan the following:
JACK: Hey Dan can I ask you a personal question?
DAN: It depends, how personal?
JACK: Not much. Just wondering if you keep any secrets from your
wife?
DAN: Oh no. I tell my wife everything.
JACK: Really. Then let me ask you this. If you went camping in
the woods. You got all drunk and passed out, and in the morning
you woke up with scrapes all on your knees and hands. And coming
out of your a$$ was a used condom! Would you tell your wife that?
DAN YELLS: Hell no!
JACK: Okay! (Pauses a few seconds) Hey Dan, Wanna go camping?
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. A business man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him and in disbelief, he asked her:
"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me, "she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple, " replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually:
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me, " she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied...... "You mean.....I can check my e-mail from here?"
Johnny was an 8-year old in remedial class. One day his teacher asked him a question. "Johnny, if there are five crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?". "None." comes the reply. "Sorry Johnny, but that's wrong. Think again".
"None, miss." is the reply once again.
"Could you explain please, Johnny?" asked the bemused teacher. "Okay," agrees Johnny, "he shoots one and there is blood and guts everywhere. So the others fly off terrified.".
"Well that's not exactly the answer I was looking for, the answer is four. But I do like the way you were thinking." remarked the teacher.
"Could I ask you a question, miss?" asked Johnny.
"Certainly, Johnny."
"Three woman are walking down the road. One is licking an ice lolly, one is sucking an ice lolly and the other is biting an ice lolly. Which one is married?"
The teacher ponders the question for a few moments then replies, "The one licking the ice lolly!" she answers.
"No," retorts Johnny, "the one wearing the wedding ring. But I do like the way you were thinking.".