There where 2 novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person
bicycle. they were riding along when they hit a bump. As they hit the 2
novices giggled. The mother superior just gave them a dirty look. They
rode a little farther and they hit another bump and the novices giggled
again. The mother superior gave them another dirty look. They rode a bit
further until they came to another bump and the two novices giggled again
and the mother stopped the bike and looked at the novices and said, "If you
don't stop that I'm going to put the seat back on!"
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a leprechaun," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!"
"OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is for a million dollars" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies. "You're 27 and you still believe in leprechauns?"
Superman is flying over the city when he passes Wonder Woman lying naked on the ground, legs spread, looking as hot as ever. Superman, being somewhat undersexed, thinks, "Hmm, I'll bet I could fly down there super-fast and be in and out in half a second. She'd never even know I was there."
So he flies down, does the job in half a second and flies away thinking, "Oh yeah -- that was good." Meanwhile down on the ground, Wonder Woman says, "What's wrong?" The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts!
Originally posted by angie88There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that
lmao:
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He couldn't get his d!ck out of the chicken.
one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would
regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant
view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she
was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the
front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked
straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy
that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F.Kennedy".
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said,"I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
One day this farmer's rooster died. So the farmer went to town to get a new rooster and the man that sells the roosters says to the farmer, "I've only got one rooster left, but you don't want him, he screws everything." The farmer says, "Well that's all right, that is what I want him for." The man says, "No, you don't understand. This rooster screws anything and I mean anything." The farmer says, "That's okay, I'll take him." So the man says okay and sold him the rooster.
The farmer took the rooster and the whole way that rooster was squirming and trying to get loose, and as soon as they got to the farm and the farmer let the rooster go, that rooster went straight into the hen house and screwed every hen in there and came out with feathers flying everywhere. The rooster grabbed the dog, screwed it, grabbed the cat, screwed it and took off into the fields. The farmer was just watching in amazement as the rooster started screwing the goats, cows, horses, and on and on. Finally later that evening, the rooster came running by the farmer headed out to another area of the farm and the farmer grabbed him and told him, "If you don't slow down you are going to die."
Well, the rooster didn't even hesitate, he just took off and started screwing the rest of the farm animals. The farmer got sleepy and said "Aw the hell with him" and went to bed.
The next morning, the farmer got up and went outside and saw the rooster was laid out on the ground right in front of the house. The farmer walked over to him and bent over and said, "I told you if you didn't slow down you were going to die." The rooster opened one eye up real slow and said, "Shhhhh, buzzards!"
Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.
Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what
it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.
The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.
Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't
come back to life again, so the battle started again.
Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet."