Jokes and the Culture of Laugh

Priest: What is your sin child?
Girl : I confess father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch...
Priest: Why?
Girl : Father he touched me....
Priest: Like this????
(The priest then touches the girl...)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he stripped me naked...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then rips the girl's clothes off.)
Girl : Yes!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he had sex with me...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then has wild sex with her.)
Girl : Yes exactly like that!!!
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : But father he had genitle herpees!!!
Priest: That son-of-a-bitch!!!!!

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"

A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions. After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey!
What's causing all this delay?" The guy on the freeways says, Well, you're not going to believe this, but Michael Jackson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes to the young boys families, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgement. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam." "How much have you got so far." "About ten gallons."

There was this old man, who took pride in looking after his appearance and didn't look anywhere near his actual age of 74. He walked into a pub one afternoon and ordered a pint of beer. When the barman gave the man his pint, the old man said, "Guess how old I am!"
The barman, thought for a while and said "50?"
The old man laughed, "I'm 74" he said proudly.
"Surely not" said the barman, "you don't look a day over 50!"
Feeling extremely happy the man drank his pint and wandered off towards the chemist. In the chemist, he did the same thing. "Tell me.." he said to the woman behind the counter "how old do you think I am?"
The woman thought, and eventually said "50?"
"No" laughed the man "I'm 74!"
"Wow" exclaimed the woman "you look great!!"
The man paid for his goods and left. Later, while he was standing at the bus stop, an old woman approached and stood next to him.
"Tell me" he said again. "How old do you think I am?"
"Oh, I'm good at these games" said the woman. "but what you'll have to do is get you willy out."
The man looks around, and can't see anyone else, so he pulls down his trousers and gets his willy out.
The woman grabs it, and begins to rub it. This goes on for about 5 minutes, and then she says "right, now let me guess" She ponders for a while and then says "74!"
Amazed, but upset the man questions her, "How on earth did you know that?"
To which she replied, "I was standing behind you in the chemists!!!"

A virgin girl gets married to a guy who’s supposed to rather well endowed. She explains this to her new husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his willy, bit by bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of willy come round the door. "Are you nervous yet?" says her husband.
"No, I'm OK" she replies. Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?" "Yes" she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says "I'm still not nervous". "OK," her husband replies, "I'm coming up the stairs"

One fine summer day, a man took his 6 year-old daughter to the
beach. This was in fact a nude beach. So, they got undressed and
laid on the beach towel. The little girl saw the man's penis and
asked, "Daddy, what's that?" He replied, "That's my bird. Don't
touch my bird. He'll get mad." So, the little girl left the bird
alone and started to make a sand castle. Time goes by and she
realizes that her daddy was sleeping. The bird was staring right
at her, so she decides to go and pet it. The man wakes up in the
hospital. He asks his daughter, "What happened? Why am I in the
hospital?" She says, "Well, I saw your lonely bird just sitting
there, and I wanted to pet it. So I did. The next thing I knew,
he stood up and spit all over me! So, I burned its nest, smashed
its eggs, and broke its neck."

A Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"
"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.
"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK," says the barman.
"Guess your ears are fine too," answers the duck. "Now, can have a beer please."
The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, "So, what brings a duck like you to these parts?"
"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the road. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely be in every lunch hour for a pint." The duck slurped down his beer, wiggling his tail happily.
The next day, Just as he said, the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunch time lager.
The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The Circus owner wanders in for a pint and the barman tells him about the talking duck.
"You should get this duck to join your circus," he says. "For a little consideration, I could hook you up with this duck and you
could make lots of bucks. Everyone would love to see a talking duck don't you think?"
The circus man nods excitedly while sipping his beer, the barman agrees to talk to the duck about the circus.
The following day, the duck comes in at lunch time as he had been for those many days. The barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes), "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about you. He's very interested in you."
"Really?" says the duck.
"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."
"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"
"That's right."
"That's one of those big tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"
"Yeah!"
"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.
"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen on the idea."
The duck looked very puzzled. "But why would he want to hire a plasterer?"

Originally posted by angie88
One fine summer day, a man took his 6 year-old daughter to the
beach. This was in fact a nude beach. So, they got undressed and
laid on the beach towel. The little girl saw the man's penis and
asked, "Daddy, what's that?" He replied, "That's my bird. Don't
touch my bird. He'll get mad." So, the little girl left the bird
alone and started to mak ...[text shortened]... e stood up and spit all over me! So, I burned its nest, smashed
its eggs, and broke its neck."

Originally posted by dale21
keep it up angie. some sweet jokes you got there. if i had recs you wud have loads.

A rather confident 007 strolled into a bar and took a seat next to a stunningly attractive woman. He gave her a quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment.
Noticing his actions, the woman next to him asked, "Is your date running late?"
“No,” he replied, “Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
Intrigued by his words the woman replied, “A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?”
“Well you see,” said Bond, “it uses Alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”
“I see,” said the woman, “and what's it telling you now?”
“It says you're not wearing any knickers...” came the reply.
The woman giggled and replied, “Well it must be broken because I’m afraid I’m wearing knickers!”
007 tutted, tapped his watch and said, “Damn thing must be an hour fast!”

A man was sitting in the bar when he noticed another patron a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas, but his head was the size of a thimble. The first man said "Please excuse me for staring, but I cant help but be curious as to why your body is so well developed, but your head is so small?"
The man said "buy me a drink and I'll tell you."
The drink was ordered and the story began. " I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or fish to come by so I would have something to eat, looking up I saw a beautiful mermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me three wishes. great I said. I'd like to be rescued. She slapped the water with her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.
"Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of the tail and here it is. Then, noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishes fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no it just wouldn’t work her being half fish and all, so I said well, how about a little head then?

-

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmers
wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw
Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become
aroused for the first time and shocked, ran to find the farmer
to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and
whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the
farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But i don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into
the milk shed, get some cow sh1t and rub it on your d1ck. It'll
go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and
saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting
hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked
up two handfulls of sh1t. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this sh1t on my d1ck to make
it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the
ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfulls.