A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the
counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, she asks the sales clerk, "Ddddoo youuu hhhave
ddddildos?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry
many models." The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe
dddaaammnn ttthinggg offf?"
There's this guy who's in the market looking for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer his tub of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.
He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.
Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens.
Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine."
There was this lady who wanted to find the perfect husband. So, she put an add in the paper that said,"Wanted: A husband that won't beat me, run away from me, and is good in bed."
A few weeks later, the doorbell rings. When she answered it there was a man with no arms and no legs.
Lady: May I help you?
Man: I'm here about your ad in the paper.
Lady: I don't think you meet the requirements.
Man: Look, I have no arms so I can't beat you, I have no legs so I can't run away from you....
Lady: But you have to be good in bed...
Man: How do you think I rang the doorbell?
A bartender is working his regular Friday night shift when a man whom he has never seen before enters the bar. The man is holding an apple in his hand.
The man says to the bartender, "After years of experimentation, I have finally accomplished my biggest goal. Taste this apple. It tastes like a banana."
The bartender figures, what the hell? He takes a bite, and is absolutely amazed at the fact that this apple actually DOES taste like a banana.
"Not bad," he says to the man, obviously impressed.
"Turn it around," says the mysterious man. "The other side tastes like a peach.
Sure enough, when the bartender bites the other side, it tastes like a peach.
"You know what would be great?" The bartender says. "You should invent an apple that tastes like a woman."
The man ponders this, and seeming to like the idea, he runs out the door.
A week later the man returns with a new apple to present to the bartender. "I did it! An apple that tastes like a woman! Try this!"
The bartender takes a bite of the new apple, and yells "This apple tastes like s**t!"
The man replies "Turn it around..."
Three guys are stranded on an island and are captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals says to the three men,"I'll give you all one chance at life. You may choose any one weapon or item that i have in my kingdom. You will be set free for 30 seconds and then my cannibals will come after you. If you escape their grasps, you are free to go. If we capture you, we SKIN YOU FOR THE CANOE!!!" He then asks the first guy to choose. Nervous about making the decision, he frantically runs around the kingdom until he stumbles on a little revolver and grabs it and a handful of bullets and takes off! 30 seconds later, as promised, the chief yells out"The hunt is on!!!".
On that command, hundreds run off into the jungles hunting the man down. In no time they find the man and although he has the gun, there are too many cannibals. They eventually overpower the man surround him and SKIN HIM FOR THE CANOE!!!
The chief asks the second man what he would like and seeing what little good the gun or any weapon would do he says to the chief,"Give me your fastest horse!" The chief grants him that and the man books it out ASAP!!! 30 seconds later, the cannibals pursue the man. With their intense knowledge of the terrain and large number, they swiftly surround the man, who was lost and bewildered, and SKIN HIM FOR THE CANOE!!!
The chief then asks the third man what weapon or item he would like and the man, who had been contemplating a plan to outsmart the cannibals says to him," Give me a fork!!!" The chief amazed and confused at the man's request says," A fork! What are you gonna do with a fork???" The man replies, "Just give it to me, dammit!" The chief then hands the man a fork. The man grabs it, starts stabbing himself all over his body and yells out,
" HERE'S TO YOUR CANOE!!!"
Two drug dealers are being prosecuted in court. The judge gives the two an option. They can either go to jail for life or they have to get an admirable amout of other drug dealers to give up the drug trafficing. The both choose to stop other drug dealers form selling. Court is adjurned for two weeks. After the two weeks pass the two dealers appear before the judge. The judge asks one how many did you get to stop selling? The dealer replies that he stopped 100 dealers from selling again. The judge asked How? The first dealer replied that he drew two circles on the ground in front of the 100 sellers. One very large and one very small. He pointed to the big one and said ,"This is your brain before drugs!",then pointed to the small one and said,"This is your brain after drugs!" A very Interesting technique replied the judge. The judge ruled the first dealer free to go. He then proceeded to ask the second dealer how many dealers he got to quit. The second one said he got 1000 dealers to stop selling and give up a life of crime. The judge being astounded, frantically asked him how he accomplished this goal. "Well", the second dealer said,"I drew two circles two, one big and one small." "I then pointed to the small circle and said This is your Arse before jail ,and then pointed to the large circle and said This is your Arse after jail."
A young couple dies just before their wedding, and they go to heaven. St. Peter greets them at the Pearly Gates and asks if there is anything he can do for them. "We want to get married," they reply. "I'll see what I can do," St. Peter says. Centuries pass, and they don't hear from St. Peter. They wait impatiently, until one day he returns to them with a priest. They get married. Years later they get bored of marriage and realize they hate each other. They approach St. Peter and ask him to get them divorced. "Hell no," he shouts. "It took me long enough to find a priest in Heaven, and now you want me to find a lawyer?"
A man walks into the bar and orders three double-shots of vodka. The bartender asks, "that's a lot of liquor, what's the problem?" The man replies, "I just found out my younger brother was gay." The next day, he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "What's wrong now?" The man says, "I just found out that my older brother is gay." The next day, he comes in again, and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, "Man, isn't there anyone in your family that likes women?" He replies, "yeah, my wife."
A young man walks into a bar and orders four shots of Jagermeister. the barman pours the drinks and asks him if he is celebrating. 'well', says the young guy. 'it's the occasion of my first blow job'.
'well, congratulations!', says the bartender. 'let me pour you a fifth shot, on the house'.
'no offence,' says the young guy, 'but if four shots of jagermeister don't get rid of the taste, nothing will...'
A man goes into this bar and says to the bartender "I bet you fifty dollars that I can piss in a shot glass that is ten feet away with my hands tied behind my back and I'll even be blindfolded."
The bartender sees this as some easy money and agrees. The guy takes out his willy and the bartender blindfolds him, ties his hands behind his back, sets the shot glass up and says go ahead. The man starts pissing. He pisses all over the bar, the stools, and even the bartender but misses the shot glass. The bartender, laughing his ass off, unties the guys hands and unblindfolds him. Still laughing he says, "Well, it looks like you owe me fifty big ones". The guy says, "Yes I do and I'll be right back".
He goes over to another guy, takes something from him and goes back to the bartender. With a big smile on his face he hands the bartender fifty bucks and proudly says "Well, here you go". The bartender takes it and says " You know, you just made an ass of yourself and lost fifty bucks so why are you so happy?" The guy replies "Well, I just bet that man over there two hundred dollars that I could piss all over your bar and you, and that you would laugh about it".
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot etc... So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cant play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix, just rippin it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzi Galezbi. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha" the man says "cant you play it?"
The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? Im going to make love with it as soon as I get its pajamas off"
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies. "No, under the tail," says the youngster. The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing." The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." "So, why did mum say it was nothing?"asks the boy. The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
All of Jake's friends always got mad at him cause no matter how bad a situation was he would always say "it could be worse".
Finally his friends decided to make up something that he couldn't say "it could be worse" about. When they were playing golf one day Steve said to Jake, "did you hear what happened to Fred?". Jake said no and asked what happened. Steve said that Fred came home thursday and found his wife in bed with another man and killed them both and then turned the gun on himself. Jake said oh thats horrible but "it could be worse". "How could it be any worse than that",Steve asked. "Well", Jake said, "if it happened a day earlier, I'd be dead."
A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."