An Englishman, an Irishman, and an Argentinian were walking along the beach when they found a lamp. Upon rubbing it vigorously a genie appeared who offered them one wish each, in return for some sort of explanation of the wish.
Irishman: "Well, I'm a fisherman and my father was a fisherman. I want my son to be a fisherman too, so my wish is that the seas are full of fish forever!"
Genie: "Done"
Argentinian: "Well, my people have been persecuted for years and it's not fair. My wish is for there to be a protective wall all around my country so we need not fear attack again!"
Genie: "Fine"
Englishman: "Genie, tell me about this wall."
Genie: "It's 150 feet high and 30 feet thick. It won't break and you can't
get in or out."
Englishman: "I thought so. Fill it with water!!"
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So he loads the pigs into his truck; drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs are still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls blistlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn".
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really Look the part".
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes to the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple you prat!"
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Cheers, mate! She just died and left me everything!"
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his knob and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his knob and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his knob out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
23-year-old City worker Johnny parked his brand-new BMW M3 Coupe in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Johnny immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialled 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, Johnny started screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the Johnny finally wound down from his rant, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you City types are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked Johnny arrogantly.
The policeman replied: "Didn't you know that your right arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.
"DAM!" screamed Johnny. "Where's my Rolex?"
Three women left seperately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment.
Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
THIS IS A SICK ONE. YOUVE BEEN WARNED
One day while at his best mate, Jim's house Norris decides that he desperately needed a shag. "Jim, I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all. I need a shag, can I shag your wife please?" said Norris.
Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says, "Because we are such good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned, do NOT go down on her. Understand?"
Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jim's wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but he was over come with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her. But he remembered what Jim had said and restrained himself. After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV.
An hour or so later, Norris said. "Jim? Can I shag her again please?".
To which Jim replied "OK, but remember, don't go down on her!!!"
Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on Jim's wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go down on her, he couldn't help himself.
Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.
"What's wrong Norris?"
"I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldn't help myself....."
"You went down on her didn't you Norris!!!!" said Jim looking horrified.
"I got a mouth full of rice!!!" said Norris disgusted!
"That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!"
This one is good..........
Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "but you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"
"Okay, then, here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?".
"Yes, I was a salesman in Kansas", said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up".
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars"... said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well", said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a smallish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser".
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's screwed, you may as well go fishing' "
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4
seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
A man finds he has a month to live and St Peter comes down to see him.
"I'm afraid you're a borderline case," says the top saint. "Heaven's pretty crowded and we only let really good people in! In terminal cases like yours we have a little test. We give people a few conditions and then if you fulfil them then you get to go to Heaven but if you don't then it's down to hell you go."
"Fair enough." says the man. "What are the conditions?"
"One, no drinking."
"Christ almighty! I was looking forward to getting really rat-arsed with my pals till the day I died."
"And no swearing, but I'll let you off this time! Only joking. Two, no smoking."
"My fags are my only pleasure! This is terrible!"
"Three, no sex!"
"God! My wife won't be pleased about this! Still, I suppose if it's my only chance to get out of hell. I take it is really bad, is it?"
"Oh yes. Believe me the red hot pokers are the best of it!" advised Peter solemnly. "I'll see you soon."
"Jeez" said the forlorn man. "Tact isn't a strong point in heaven I guess."
A month passes... and sure enough the man dies and floats up to the pearly gates. Peter is on duty and enquires how well he's done.
"Well... I feel I've done quite well. Not one puff of smoke has passed my lips!"
"Drinking?"
"Not a sip, honest!"
"Sex?"
"Well there we hit a very slight snag. Today, my wife was getting me a chop and well.... she looked so enticing bending over in front of the fridge that I had to give her one there and then!"
"You knew the conditions my son! Down to hell you go!"
"Bugger! Chucked out off Heaven and Safeway in one day!"
The manager was in a bit of a quandary. He had to fire one of his employees strictly for financial reasons and was having a tough time deciding who it would be. Finally he had it narrowed down to either Debra or Jack, since they both had spouses in good positions and they would have the least trouble of all the employees financially. Instead of a coin toss, he decided that the first one to go to the water cooler would be the one who got the axe. Debra came in early that morning with a huge hangover from partying all night and getting no sleep, and naturally she goes straight to the water cooler to rehydrate. The manager sighs and goes over to her. "Debra" he says, "I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off". Debra looks at him and says "Well, could you Jack off? I've got a terrible headache".
A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
sorry that was lame 😛
A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.
"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".
The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.
"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!"
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".
The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many flippin bars do you work at, anyway?"