post 700
Four catholic school girls are in a car crash and die. They all go up to the Pearly Gates to see St. Peter. He tells them they must confess their sins before they will be allowed in. The first girl steps up and says, "I once touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter replies, "You must dunk the tip of your finger in this holy water and then you may pass." The girl does it and goes through the gates. The second girl steps up and says, "I once touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter replies, "You must dunk your hand in this holy water and then you may pass." She does it and goes through the gates. Before the third girl even has a chance to step up, the fourth girl pushes her out of the way and says, "St. Peter, if you think I'm gonna gargle with that water after she dunks her ass in it, you're crazy!"
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man:
"Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home early too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balconyand heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the momentwas so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts crushing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator......"
Ah, crowded heaven, that reminds me of a joke I read many years ago...
A man dies and comes to the gates of heaven. St. Peter tells him that there's a problem - he would gladly let him in, but it's already too crowded. But if the man can convince someone else to leave heaven, he can come in.
The man thinks for a while, then he asks for a piece of paper and a pen, writes something down and puts the paper on the floor at the entrance. After a short while, the first person leaves heaven, and after a few hours heaven is half empty. St. Peter, baffled, says to the man: "Okay, you can come in now. But tell me, what did you write on that paper?" "Oil wells have been detected in hell."
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"
A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
"What is it son."
"Do I now have to tell him the war is over?
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air. The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the old sausage. So the gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips and starts pumping him in the butt as hard as he can. Then, he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it is the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, screwing the "King of the Jungle" in the rear end. The lion is shocked and upset, lets out a mighty ROAR and chases the gorilla through the jungle. Now, the gorilla can't run very fast and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into a campsite, puts on some safari clothes and pith helmet, picks up a newspaper, sits down and holds it up to his face, and makes like he is reading it. Just then, the lion comes busting through the jungle.
"RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla starts shaking behind the paper. "Uh, you mean the one that just s-s-s-screwed you in the ass?" he stutters.
The lion sits up with a start and says, "Noway, It's in the paper already?"
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on their porch.
A man has a daughter of whom he is very proud. She is 18, slim, pretty, well-spoken, intelligent and (as far as he knows) has
never had any kind of sexual intimacy with any male. Unfortunately she does have a minor heart condition, and he worries about her falling ill. Imagine his horror when one day she announces that she is bringing her boyfriend home for tea - and worse, that she wants to get engaged to him. The day comes, and the boyfriend turns up. He has long tangled hair, several tattoos, a sleeveless denim jacket and dirty jeans with holes in. He sits on the living room floor, chewing gum and sniffing loudly.
Father is not impressed, but tries his best to engage the lad in conversation. However, the boy is not the chatty type and seems rather bored by the whole thing. Eventually, the girl and her mother leave the room and it's time for a bit of "man-to-man" stuff.
"Er, I understand you wish to marry my daughter," says the father.
"Yeah, sort of," replies the boyfriend.
"Do you have a job?"
"Nope."
"Are you looking for one?"
"Nope."
At this point, father becomes desperate to find an excuse to get rid of the young man and put him off marrying his daughter.
"Er, I don't know if you realise that my daughter has acute angina?" says the father.
"Yeah, lovely, isn't it, and her boobs aren't too bad either."
A guy walks into a bar and notices a horse standing in the corner.
Intrigued, he askes the bartender what the horse is for. "It's a contest we're having here." says the bartender, "who ever can make the horse laugh will win the money in the pot. So far the pot is up to $5000, cause nobody's done it yet. It costs five dollars to enter."
The guy decides to give it a try and pays the five dollars. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in it's ear. To the surprise of the bartender the horse starts laughing uncontrollably. The guy collects his winnings and leaves.
Two weeks later, the same guy comes back into the bar and see's the horse in the corner again. He asks why the horse is there this time.
"This time" the bartender says "whoever can make it cry will win the pot. So far the pot is $10,000. It's almost impossible to do it. Wanna try?"
The guy decides to try it, so he hands the bartender his five dollars, goes over to the horse and whispers in it's ear again. This time, the horse starts crying like a baby and can't stop. The guy goes back to collect his winnings.
"`Wait a minute" the bartender says. "Before you leave, you have to tell me what you said to the horse to make it laugh AND cry."
"Well... okay then" says the guy reluctantly. "The first time, I told the horse that I had a larger penis than he did. The second time, I showed him."
One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded,
and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He
calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle, everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later"
"I don't want the cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want that either."
"Do you want the drugs now or later?"
"I don't want the drugs."
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."
The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"
"I want the retard that pushed me in!"
Three dogs were sat next to each other in a vet's waiting room.
"What are you in for Pit-Bull?" the Alsatian asks the Pit-Bull.
"Well," explains the Pit-Bull, "I was in the park with my owner minding my own business when this ugly little kid chucks a stone at me and it hits me on my head. I was furious so I went after the bastard and bit his ear off. Only problem was that the Park Warden caught me and brought me and my owner here. The vet says I'm too dangerous to be around children and that I need to be put down."
"That's terrible," replies the Alsatian. He shakes his head and turns to the Dalmatian next to him. "What are you in for Dalmatian?"
"Well boys, my mistress died the other day and the spiteful bitch decided to put a clause in her will, which requested that I be buried with her because she thought that I would pine for her when she is gone. What a stupid cow. So just because of her I'm getting put down. What's your story Alsatian?"
"Well, my mistress had just got out of the bath and she had a towel wrapped around her. Then she takes off her towel and bends over to dry her feet. So I've got this beautiful view of her cute little ass and as I'm feeling really horny I decide what the hell, and completely throw caution to the wind. I jumped up and mounted her and gave her a damn good doggy-style seeing to..."
"So they are going to put you down too Alsatian?" interrupts the Pitt-Bull.
"No, I'm just getting my claws trimmed!"
-
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' daddy?"
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny says, "Whatcha gonna do, shag it?"
-
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"OK do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank goodness for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the shocked midwife.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."