Originally posted by Moldy CrowYour avatar tells all... Little legs spreading up! LOL!!!
A US Marine is stationed in a remote post in Iraq where nothing is going on . The people there love the US , and there are no insurgents . He sits idle for months with nothing to do . He begins to long for the company of women and his se ...[text shortened]... t me ?"
The elder replies , "Because you picked an ugly one !"
Anyway, u got my rec!
Edit: thanks for the laugh, Moldy!
THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look
how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two
hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo they do not.
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me
own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo they do not.
Then the old man points out the window.
Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back.
I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? No they do not."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
But ya sh_g one goat . . .
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree"!
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.
" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!" ...
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs
and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking
horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was.
"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian.
I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the
morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems
to make me think of women," told the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A man is having a night on the town and stumbles into a pub.
He grabs a seat a starts talkin to the 1 of 3 big butch woman next to him.
He says "do you wanna hear some blonde jokes?"
She turns to him with a look of disgust and says
"look mate im the british arm wrestling champion, i weigh 190lbs and im a natural blonde. My friend here is the woman's world record holder for weightlifting, she weighs 200lbs and shes a natural blonde. My other friend here is a 7th Dan karate master weighing 180lbs, and she is a natural blonde. Do you stil wanna tell your blonde jokes?"
The man thinks for a short while and replies...
"not if i have to explain them 3 times"
😉
Simply A Mistake
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at
myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My
dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a
mistake."
Damn Lawyer Tactics
A young attorney who had taken over his fathers practice rushed home elated one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "Ive finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"
Heavenly Golf
Moses and Jesus were part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball right up on to the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Sorry for reposting an old joke😳
Yup! I have posted this some time ago. But IMHO tt's a good joke.
Enjoy it. (In the meantime I'm searching for new ones 🙂 )
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.
So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down.
The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
The guy looks at him and says,"no way." So the director says, "You fail."
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing.
Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director says, "you fail."
So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, funiture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?" Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."
Originally posted by LittleBearha ha. love it.
Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.
So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down.
The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the ...[text shortened]... hree shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death."