A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish for, your husband will get times ten."
The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she wanted to
be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to.">The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! she's the most
beautiful woman in the world.
> >For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
>world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,
>"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So,
KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.
> > >The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack.">
> > >Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
> > >Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
> > >here and continue feeling good.
> > >Attention male readers: Please scroll down.
> > >The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
> > >Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
> > >smart.
> > >
> > >Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show...
> > >
> > >PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to
> > >show that you women never listen! ;o)
Paddy and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
Paddy picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman glanced around behind him and said... "Bee-jaysus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!"
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
> the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
>
> When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted
> by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated
> him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
>
> At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars
> in an 18-carat gold box.
>
> The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old
> Scotch whisky.
>
> At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde
> in her lingerie.
>
> She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom
> where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
> ever experienced.
>
> When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb
> blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage,
> blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was
> truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
>
> As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from
> under the cup's bottom edge.
>
> "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
> the five dollars for?"
>
> "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband
> that today would be your last day, and that we should do something
> special for you. I asked him what to give you".
>
> He said, "F#@*k him. Give him five bucks."
>
> She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
Originally posted by fiestalol!
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
> the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
>
> When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted
> by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated
> him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
>
> At the second house they ...[text shortened]... "F#@*k him. Give him five bucks."
>
> She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
Although why would you make such a big fuss about the postman?
> A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting
>
> At his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a
> nearby table all alone.
>
> He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive
>
> bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she
>
> accepts it, she is his.
>
> The waiter gets the bottle ready and quickly sends it over to
>
> the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She
>looks
>
>
> at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
>
> The note reads: For me to accept this bottle, you need to
>
> have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and
>
> seven inches in you pants."
>
> The man, after reading the note, chuckles, and sends a note of
>
> His own back to her. It read: "Just so you know, I happen to
>have a
>
> Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 600 SL in my
>garage,
>
>
> and I have over 25 million dollars in the bank. But, not even for
>
> a woman as
>
> beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE
>BOTTLE BACK"
Three women named Becky, Lisa, and Sarah go to a bar with their boyfriends. All three men are named George. The three Georges decide to take a bathroom break.
"Man, I wish our guys had different names," moaned Lisa.
"Me too," complained Becky.
"Well, why don't we think of nicknames for them?" Sarah suggested.
"Alright! I want mine to be named Mountain Dew," Becky said. "Cause he sure do mount me good."
"My George can be called 7 Up. Because he can hold 7 inches up all night," explained Lisa.
"Well.. You can call my guy Jack Daniels," Sarah said.
"What?? That isn't a soda!!! Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!" Lisa and Becky yelled.
"...I know..."
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was
having a lot of problems selling it, because the
car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told
her problem to a brunette she worked with at a
salon. The brunette told her,
There is one way to make the car easier to sell,
but it's not legal."
That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I
only can sell the car."
Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of
a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell
him I sent you, and he'll turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should be easy
to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to
the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the
blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only
has 50,000 miles on it."
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes
> >
> >to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
> >
> >bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
> >
> >other side?"
> >
> >The second blonde looks up the river then down the
> >
> >river then
> >
> >shouts back, "You are on the other side."
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
> A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap
> her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
>
> Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
> A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
>
> Q: What's pink and hard?
> A: A pig with a flick knife.
>
> Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
> A: They are easier to keep amused.
>
>
> Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
> A: So fat women can get laid too.
>
> Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word? A. Have
> a fourth one yell "Bingo!"
>
> Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
> A: Your last blow job.
>
> Q: Why did god create women?
> A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.
>
>
> Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
> A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with
> darkness"
>
> Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
> A: It scares the shit out of the dog.
>
> Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
> A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
>
> Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
> A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.
>
> Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
> A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.
>
> Q: How do you make a dog drink?
> A: Put it in a liquidizer.
> Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
> A: A rottweiler.
> Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
> A. Patient!!
Sorry will stop now..... lol
Can't let this thread die.
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."
The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.
He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
Originally posted by fiestaKeep em coming!!! a rec for these!!
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes
> >
> >to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
> >
> >bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the
> >
> >other side?"
> >
> >The second blonde looks up the river then down the
> >
> >river then
> >
> >shouts back, "You are on the other side."
A young man is walking down the road, and it starts to rain. Seeing as he's not from around the area, has no umbrella, and there aren't any hotels nearby, he knocks on a farmers door.
The farmer answers it and says, "Well, you can stay here all night because it looks like this storm will last a while, but the only place you can sleep is on the floor in my daughters bedroom. And if you move a muscle, I Will know."
The young man agrees not to touch his daughter. Once everyone was settled, the farmer came in the room and laid eggs all over the floor. That night, the man says, "What the hell..." and sleeps with his daughter. Early in the morning, the man looks around and realizes that all the egg shells are cracked. He scoops up all the yokes, throws them out the window, and glues the egg shells back together.
Later in the morning the farmer comes in, and is satisfied with what he sees. "Well, looks like you two did pretty good. As a reward I'm going to go make us some breakfast."
The farmer gathers the eggs, puts them in a basket, and walks downstairs. He puts a huge pan on the stove, and cracks an egg on the side of it. No yolk. The farmer looks in the shell and says, "Must have been a dud..."
Again, he tries to crack an egg. Still no yolk. "Unlucky, I guess..."
The third time, when nothing happens, he smashes all the eggs into the pan. He's furious. The grabs his shotgun.
"You're going to kill me, aren't you?" the man says in tears.
"No.." He runs outside to the chicken house, and yells, "ALRIGHT, WHICH ONE OF YOU ROOSTERS HAVE BEEN USING CONDOMS???"
An astronomer, a chemist and a mathematician are on a train journey to Scotland when they look at the window and observe a white cow.
The astronomer remarks, "my my, all cows in scotland are white."
The chemist corrects her, "no, all we can say is that there are some white cows in Scotland."
Then the mathematician interjects; "all we can really say is that in at least one field in Scotland, where there exists at least one cow, one side of which, at least, is white."
A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
🙂