Did you know that Viagra is now available as eye drops?
It does nothing for your sex life but makes you look hard!
🙂
A man and his wife were driving into town and were stopped by a policeman.
"Do you know you were doing over the speed limit back there. I was following you for some time", said the officer.
"I'm sure I was only doing about 40", said the man.
"No you weren't," piped up his wife, "You were doing at least 80 and you know it!"
The man looked at his wife very angrily and threateningly, then returned to look at the officer who was taking note of what was being said.
"Do you also realise that one of your rear lights is broken?" said the policeman.
"Really!?" said the man, "It must have just happened."
"No it didn't!" shouted his wife, "I've been asking you to fix that rear light for ages and you've just been too lazy to do anything about it!" The officer listened intently, but the man got very angry and started shouting and swearing at his wife.
The officer managed to get the man to calm down and then in a concerned manner asked the wife, "Does your husband always speak to you in such a violent manner?"
"Only when he's drunk", she replied.
🙂
a similiar joke (well, it's the same situation, not the same joke):
a police officer stops a speeding car, leans in and tells the man driving that he's going to fast.
the mans wife goes very red at this and begins shouting at him: "you said we were driving under 30! how dare you, you rotten evil, madman! officer! i demand you arrest him now! jerks like this shouldn't be allowed on the road!!"
the policeman is shocked by this frank abuse of a wife to her own husband and quietly tells her that it was, after all, only 10mph to fast, nothing too serious, but she keeps up her tirade at her husband who is taking all this amazingly calmy, until the policeman sais, in frank disgust,
"sir, with this woman, your punished enough" and leaves them too it.
winking at his wife, the man puts his foot on the gas once more and they drive off happily ever after.
I think Ive posted this... if so, I beg your pardon... may be im losing my memory.... 🙁
-------------------
US Army Voice Mail Message
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a detailed message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you.
As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, Communist China, marching up and down the streets of Washington, DC, and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please
listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, on weekends, or in bad weather.
Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please press 3 and speak slowly to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 4 for the Rapid Deployment Force and wait two weeks for delivery.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 5, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command for an additional fee of $10. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and while watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line, Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.
Son:- Dad, what's nuclear fission ?
Father:- Er... i'm afraid I don't know anything about atomic energy
Son:- Well, how does a space ship land on the moon if there is no gravity there ?
Father:- Well I don't really know about space travel either.
Son:- ok then can you tell me how jets assists in a take off then ?
Father:- That's a bit too complicated to explain.
Son:- You don't mind me asking you all these questions, do you dad ?
Father:- Of course not son, you have to ask questions if you want to learn anything.
A father and his son are walking in the dunes.They stop to watch the sea.The boy sees a boat go by and says
B: Look dad,a boat!
F: Yes,son,that's a boat all right
B: Dad,how do you spell boat?
F: B-O-A-T
B: You're so smart dad
F: Thank you son
B: Look dad,there's another,bigger boat
F: Yes son,but that's not just another boat,that's a freightship!
B: Dad,how do you spell freightship
F: Well,let's see son, F-R-A-Y hmm....no,wait...F-R-E-Y-T....no,hang on....you know what son,I think you're right.That's just another boat.
😉😛
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I onceagain induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
Originally posted by padfootI usually get the ticket as well
a similiar joke (well, it's the same situation, not the same joke):
a police officer stops a speeding car, leans in and tells the man driving that he's going to fast.
the mans wife goes very red at this and begins shouting at him: "you said we were driving under 30! how dare you, you rotten evil, madman! officer! i demand you arrest him now! jerks li ...[text shortened]... g at his wife, the man puts his foot on the gas once more and they drive off happily ever after.
Back to Page One with this thread!!
The latest issue of Readers Digest (in South Africa, at least) has a whole feature on Humour. It is extremely therapeutic!
Here are a few excerpts:
About mothers
The remarkable thing about my mother, is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers – the original meal has never been found
My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says, “you weren’t home last night. Is something going on?” I say, “Yeah, mum. I’m cheating on you with another mother.
Mick Jagger: My mother has aways been unhappy with what I do, She would much rather that I do something nicer, like be a bricklayer.
From 50 Funniest One-liners
A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a few days.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.
Jay Leno: This is a strange country. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select Miss America, we get 50.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sleigh through the snow.
Kermit the Frog: Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
The trouble with the rat race is even when you win, you’re still a rat.
A man,in his 40's,suddenly dies and finds himself in hell.The devil comes to greet him.
D: Welcome,welcome.You probably noticed by now,you're in hell.
M: Uh,yeah,bummer
D: Oh,hell's not so bad.For one thing,it's always warm here,you'll never be cold
M: Hmm,that's true
D: And we do lots of fun things here.For instance,do you like gambling?
M: YEAH!
D: Well,Mondaynight is gamblingnight!
M:Cool!
D: Do you like drinking?Whisky,wodka,rum,ya know
M: HELL YEAH!
D: Well,Tuesdaynight is drink all you can.Who cares,you're allready dead!
M:Wooohoooo!
D: Do you like smoking?
M: Uh!How do you think I died?
D: Well,Wednesdaynight we smoke all the best cigarettess,cigars and herbs.Who cares,you're allready dead!
M:Wow man!Hell sure ain't all that bad
D: Now,do you happen to be gay?
M: WHAAAAAT?No way man,I'm as hetero as they come
D: OUCH!You're gonna hate Thursdays....
😉
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Alberta is planning to do its own version, entitled "Survivor, Alberta Style."
The contestants will start in Edmonton, head over to Jasper, down to Banff, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Lloydminster and back into Edmonton.
Each will be driving a pink Lexus with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm a lesbian, I hate the Eskimos and the Flames, I'm a vegetarian, I support PETA, I voted NDP, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to Edmonton alive wins.
😛
Originally posted by SirLoseALotIs this funny? I don't get it?
A man,in his 40's,suddenly dies and finds himself in hell.The devil comes to greet him.
D: Welcome,welcome.You probably noticed by now,you're in hell.
M: Uh,yeah,bummer
D: Oh,hell's not so bad.For one thing,it's always warm here,you'll never be cold
M: Hmm,that's true
D: And we do lots of fun things here.For instance,do you like gambling?
M: ...[text shortened]... WHAAAAAT?No way man,I'm as hetero as they come
D: OUCH!You're gonna hate Thursdays....
😉