There was a skeleton found in the attic of an old building recently. The skeleton had a medal round it's neck which said 'hide and seek champion of '56. '
Myra Hindley is walking accross the moors at night with a little boy. The little boy says to her 'Cor, it's frightning out here, bit dark, innit' and she replies 'How do you think I feel, I gotta come back on me own...!'
yeah, tasteless, sorry.
wow, I did get some jokes...😛
At the exact same point in time,2 young men are on exact opposite sides of the world.The first one,walks on a rope between 2 skyscrapers.The second one is getting a blowjob from a 85-year old,toothless woman.
At the exact same time,they have the exact same thought!
What do they think?
DO NOT LOOK DOWN!
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a turkey hunter."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
😞 Ouch!!
Originally posted by LittleBearHeheeee,good one! 😀
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The d ...[text shortened]... ld guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
😞 Ouch!!
Originally posted by LittleBearHa!!
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."
The d ...[text shortened]... ld guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
😞 Ouch!!
There's this little community of farmers,population 300.The people are very religious,and on Sundays,everyone goes to church.Everyone,except 1 man,the richest farmer of them all.One day,the priest decides to go over to his farm,and have a word with him.
priest: So,farmer Jake,why don't I ever see you in church?You do believe in the Lord,don't you?
jake: (holding up his hands) Well father,I don't know about god.Everything I have,I thank to these 2 hands.Let me take you on a tour around my farm.
First they come to a field of tomato's
Jake: Father,have you ever seen such big,juicy tomato's?I grew those with my own two hands!
priest: Yes,Jake,BUT,with a little help from God.
Next there's a field of melons
Jake: Look,father,have you ever seen such big melons?They're the biggest of the country,and I grew them with my own two hands!
priest: Yes,Jake,BUT,with a little help from God.
Next there's a field of carrots
Jake: And here,have you ever seen such carrots?Try one,I'm sure you've never had such tasty carrots.I grew them with my own two hands!
priest: Yes,Jake,very tasty carrots.BUT,you had a little help from God.
Next,they come to a wasteland.Nothing but weeds and dry bushes.
priest: Dear Lord!What is this?Why aren't you growing anything here?This is a waste of land!
Jake: Well,here I decided to let God handle things on his own.....
😉
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of Monday 8Th November 2004.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she doesn't much fancy, and is frankly a bit dodgy.
Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P. (for the 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world), will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any of you noticed.
To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. All citizens are to look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. While there, check the pronunciation guide for "aluminium" - this may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words interspersed with "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of communication. NB. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. Learn to distinguish between British and Australian accents. It's not difficult.
4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as good guys.
5. Re-learn your original anthem, "God Save the Queen". Please ensure that you have complied with the first law before attempting this.
6. Stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of "football". What you refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you aware of a world outside of your borders may have noticed that no one else plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with get the girls to help you - it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, eventually, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies.
7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky - the Russians have never really been bad guys. NB. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new national holiday.
9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; its for your own good. When we show you German and Japanese cars you'll understand.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
New state mottos
-------------------
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and with Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us about Our Grandkids
Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland
Scum, but Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But
the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
Two Billion Years Tidal Wave-Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things with Corn
Kansas:
First of the Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Cajun Wackos, but that's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower than Sweden's (for Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan:
First Line of Defense from the Canadians
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better about Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing
Crazies and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask about Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the
Right to an Attorney....
North Carolina:
Tobacco Is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really Are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
We Wish We Were in Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl ... It's what's for Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook with Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota:
Closer than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas:
Si, Hablo Ingles
(Yes, I speak English)
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjawed Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun by Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:
Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming:
Wynot?
(Yup, here are all, count them... am I missing one 😀 ?)
Last joke tonite... im going to sleep!
-----------------------------------------
The government announced yesterday that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance:
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.
😀
<EDIT> Hey Bush! r u there???? ROTFLMAO!!
Saw the following in a single cell cartoon some time ago. A man and a woman are sitting up in bed with frogs strapped on to boards in front of them. He's holding a scalpel and saying to her: "You said you wanted to experiment in bed but you haven't even touched your frog"