The Mystery of an Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move.
"Father?" asked the boy.
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother!"
🙂
An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.
After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since Karen, his model, had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk -since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.
They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside.
He jumped up and said,
"OH NO It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"
🙂
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"
🙂
Men are like. . .Weather. . .
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like. . .Blenders. . .
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like. . .Chocolate Bars. . .
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like. . .Commercials. . .
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like. . .Government Bonds. . .
They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like. . .Mascara. . .
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like. . .Popcorn. . .
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like. . .Lava Lamps. . .
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like. . .Parking Spots. . .
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Here were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would have it there was a beautiful farmer's daughter at the house.
Thee two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other. One articular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.
Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter. The next morning the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy wasn't out of his sight by the count of 5 he would shoot him.
Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him.
The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?"
The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.
😀
Originally posted by Remora91Clearly you have a distorted understanding of men that probably stems from a distorted relationship to your father. You should work on that. 😉
Men are like. . .Weather. . .
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like. . .Blenders. . .
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like. . .Chocolate Bars. . .
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like. . .Commercials. . .
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like. . .Government Bonds. . ...[text shortened]... .
Men are like. . .Parking Spots. . .
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Originally posted by kirksey957(Its your fault 😛)
Clearly you have a distorted understanding of men that probably stems from a distorted relationship to your father. You should work on that. 😉
Why God made Eve:
1. Because he was worried Adam would become lost in the garden and not stop and ask for directions.
2. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new leaf when his was worn out, and would need Eve to make sure he was decent.
3. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote control.
4. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist, or haircut appointment by himself.
5. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage out by the curb.
6. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
7. Adam had to do his job as the Keeper of the Garden, and would need Eve to remind him where he left his tools.
8. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for a man to be alone."
10. And the main reason God created Eve... When God finished creating Adam, He stepped, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that!!!"
😛
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around, to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
😀
A bit sick...
A man walks into a bar.
"can I have a free beer?" He asks.
The bartender replies: "No way mate!"
The man goes to walk out of the bar. Suddenly, the bartender says
"Actually, if you want one, there are three tasks you can do for me."
"OK, what?" The man says.
"Well, first of all, the sink needs cleaning. Then, there's a pitbull (very angry, by the way) that needs it's teeth pulled. The last one...well, there's an old woman upstairs who needs...satisfying."
"OK, no problem."
The man fixes the sink, no problems. He goes out to the yard.
"Be careful!" The bartender says.
The Bartender hears a loud barking, then, 5 minutes later, the dog whines.
The man comes back in.
"OK, where's that old woman who needs her teeth pulled?"
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
😀
This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."
"You got a last name, Earl?"
"Nope. It's a long story, Officer."
"I got time."
Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."
😞
Ouch!! LOL