Following on from the Ham Bush.......
A pair of vultures board a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The cabin attendant stops them and says: "I'm sorry, but only one carrion allowed per passenger."
.............................................................
Two boll weevils grow up in South Carolina. One goes to Hollywood and becomes a star. The other stays behind in the cotton fields and never amounts to much.
He eventually becomes known as the lesser of two weevils.
> >It's not difficult. To make a woman happy a man only
> > needs to be :
> >
> >
> > 1. a friend
> > 2. a companion
> > 3. a lover
> > 4. a brother
> > 5. a father
> > 6. a master
> > 7. a chef
> > 8. an electrician
> > 9. a carpenter
> > 10. a plumber
> > 11. a mechanic
> > 12. a decorator
> > 13. a stylist
> > 14. a sexologist
> > 15. a gynaecologist
> > 16. a psychologist
> > 17. a pest exterminator
> > 18. a psychiatrist
> > 19. a healer
> > 20. a good listener
> > 21. an organiser
> > 22. a good father
> > 23. very clean
> > 24. sympathetic
> > 25. athletic
> > 26. warm
> > 27. attentive
> > 28. gallant
> > 29. intelligent
> > 30. funny
> > 31. creative
> > 32. tender
> > 33. strong
> > 34. understanding
> > 35. tolerant
> > 36. prudent
> > 37. ambitious
> > 38. capable
> > 39. courageous
> > 40. determined
> > 41. true
> > 42. dependable
> > 43. passionate
> >
> >
> >
> >WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
> >
> >
> > 44. give her compliments regularly
> > 45. love shopping
> > 46. be honest
> > 47. be very rich
> > 48. not stress her out
> > 49. not look at other girls
> >
> >
> >
> >AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
> >
> >
> > 50. give her lots of attention, but expect
> > little yourself
> > 51. give her lots of time, especially time for
> > herself
> > 52. give her lots of space, never worrying
> > about where she goes
> >
> >
> >
> >IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
> >
> >
> > 53. Never to forget:
> > * birthdays
> > * anniversaries
> > * arrangements she makes
> >
> >
> >
> >HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
> >
> >
> > 1. Shag him
> > 2. Feed him
> > 3. Leave him in peace
Things that make you feel like a man
1, OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's
work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? g*y. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
cri*pling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. , you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scr*tes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or bre*st man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now
your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight
to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See
ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you
the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make
a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad?"
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making expected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Signed,
Desperate Wife
Dear Desperate Wife:
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" .wav files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These applications are not supported and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.
Signed,
Tech Support
Three men entered a competition to see who could hunt the biggest deer. All up, there was a European, a Tongan and a Samoan.
The European says "Let's set up camp here and hunt one at a time. That way our equipment is always under surveillence." The three agree that it was a good idea. "And," says the European "I will start first, you two can decide who goes next."
The night passes and the Tongan and the Samoan wake up and notice that the European is still out hunting. Around lunchtime, the European comes back dragging the biggest deer they had seen. Amazed, the Tongan asks "How did you get a deer that size?". The European says "Oh, it's simple really. I headed north for a while, and found the tracks. I followed the tracks, saw the deer, shot the deer and brought it back."
The Tongan said "Oh yeah, I bet I can get a bigger one then." So the Samoan and the European eat lunch while the Tongan heads out to get his deer.
The night passes and around lunchtime the Tongan comes back with a bigger deer. The European was amazed. The Samoan asks "How did you get a bigger deer?". The Tongan says "Easy man. I went north, I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, saw the deer, and shot the deer!"
The Samoan thought it was all too easy, so he sets out for his deer. The Tongan and the European sleep the night and wake up, expecting him back around lunchtime. Lunchtime passes and there is no sign of the Samoan, so they sleep another night.
The next day the Samoan still has not come back. The European and the Tongan conclude that he has just not found a deer big enough. After a few more days pass, the two begin to worry about the Samoan, but keep thinking he has just not found a deer big enough.
A week passes, and the Samoan comes back, covered in casts and bandages, bruises and cuts. The Tongan and the European immediately jump up and come to his aid and ask "What on earth happened?!". The Samoan said "I went north, I found the tracks, so I followed the tracks and got hit by the train!".
Dave works hard at the hospital and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my basketball team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her ! arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says: "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, Big Boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says: "Jeez, Dave, you picked up a real bitch tonight!"
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, every time I sit down I get visions of Pluto and Mickey Mouse, and every time I stand up I see Donald Duck. What should I do?"
Doctor: "Start by telling me how long you've been having these Disney spells."
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, a few days ago I found I couldn't stop singing 'Delilah'. Then the next day I couldn't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'. Yesterday, it was 'Sex bomb'.
Doctor: "I think you have Tom Jones Syndrome"
Patient: "Is that a common complaint?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual"
A very shy guy goes into a bar & sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her & asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, "No! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
The bar goes quiet and everyone stares at guy as he slinks back to his table, cringing with embarrassment.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him. She smiles at him & says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which the guy responds, at the top of his voice, "What do you mean £200?!"
A man walked up to a little old lady rocking in a chair on her porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," he said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day," she said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, never exercise, & do pills on the weekend."
"That's amazing," said the man, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-four."
Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to hold the Goldfish and the other four to fill the bath with rivets.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Bloke has 2 girlfriends, Lorraine and Claire Lee. They find out about each other and give him the ol' ultimatum. He can't decide. Then Lorraine runs off with the milkman. Problem solved. He starts singing.............
I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and, since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on several pounds of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....
SCROLL DOWN ...
... including the curtain rods.
😀
Originally posted by LittleBearlol
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and, since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, cr ...[text shortened]... ROLL DOWN ...
... including the curtain rods.
😀
oh, another joke! LOL!
An oldie, but make me laugh 🙂
Little Kenny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, cook, policeman, janitor, journalist, salesman, doctor, garbage man, lawyer, etc.
Kenny was uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.
"He's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with a guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken, set the other children to work on some exercises and took Kenny aside, asking, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Kenny, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
😀
hhmmm... i'm don't realy have any chance of making an even somewhat good joke here in comparison to some of the stuff i've read here... and anyway, someones probably already said this one.. but here goes:
2 nuns are driving in a car. they are goin 50mph down this old dark road i the forest, when one nun suddenly yells out: "slow down! theres a vampire on the road!!"
the other nun slows the car and looks up ahaead through the gloom, and indeed - theres a vampire there, standing, bold as brass, in the middle of the road.
"what do we do??" she whispers to her friend
"show him your cross!" the other replies
the nun obediantly zooms down her window, leans out, and shouts over to the fiend:
"get of the road you f***ing bastard!"
Real Women vs Ladies
Ladies- If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me up.
Real Women- If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies- Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub It on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women- Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares.
Ladies- Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women- Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying down on the couch, with your feet up anyway!
Ladies- To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women- Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.
Ladies- When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Real Women- Go to the bakery- they'll even decorate it for you!
Ladies- Brush some egg white over pie crust before baking to yield
a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women- Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not Include
brushing egg white over anything, so don't do it!
Ladies- If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening Jars easy.
Real Women- Go ask the very HOT neighbour guy to do it!
Ladies- Don't throw out all the leftover wine, Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women- What leftover wine???
Finally the most important!
Ladies- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail.
Real Women- A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn.....that was fun!"
Life should be fun - take some short cuts!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A man is riding down the rode on a wild ass with a rooster in one hand. Both of the animals are very scared of cars. When the rooster gets scared, someone has to hold it really close to make it calm down. When the ass gets scared, someone has to scratch it behind the ears. Of course, a huge jeep has to slowly rumble by. The animals panick and begin to scream and move around. The driver sees the man is having trouble and pulls over. He gets out of the cars.
"Um, excuse me sir? Is there any way I can help?"
"Can you please hold my cock while I scratch my ass?"